


Children of Destiny

by awarrington



Series: Silver Lining series [2]
Category: Star Trek, Star Trek (2009)
Genre: Angst, Bonding, First Gay Sex, First Time, M/M, Mindmeld Gave Me Feelings, Mission Fic, Pon Farr
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-04-25
Updated: 2012-04-26
Packaged: 2017-11-04 07:42:15
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 29,996
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/391410
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/awarrington/pseuds/awarrington
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A companion piece to Silver Lining, the events from Spock's POV.  Spock is still in a relationship with Uhura when he experiences his first Pon Farr.  At his first officer's request, Kirk diverts the Enterprise to New Vulcan so he can marry T'Pring, who survived Vulcan's destruction.  However, when Spock gets there, he finds his wedding doesn't go according to plan.  This is Pon Farr with a reboot twist.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is a companion piece to Silver Lining. This can be read on its own, but I think reading the original will help put this into context.

Spock was not feeling himself. _  
  
_At least, that is how his Human colleagues would likely phrase it. His mother had used the term when he was a child, at times when she noticed he was behaving atypically. At first, he had thought it an illogical statement since, as long as he existed in corporeal form, of course he could feel himself, a brief touch of his fingers to a random part of his anatomy confirming his hypothesis. It took some time to realize his mother was referring to his emotions – the ones he had spent so much time suppressing, not altogether effectively, as certain of the students at his school had discovered. _  
  
_At this moment, he was feeling a definite emotional imbalance, a failure to fully suppress and control, his logic becoming more difficult by the day to access. It was taking all of his energy to remain in control on shift and he knew, with certainty, he would be unable to maintain it much beyond that time. So, since the onset of the problem, five days earlier, he had been staying away from Nyota, not wishing her to see him in this condition. However, the previous evening, the inevitable had occurred – she had sought him out in his quarters and had demanded entry. _  
  
_“Spock, what’s going on?” she asked quietly, as soon as the door closed, affording them privacy. _  
  
_He attempted obfuscation. “Going on? Are you referring to the fact that I have been too busy to meet with you this week?” _  
  
_Spock could easily see his words hurt her. They spent many evenings together and, until a few days earlier, had spent almost every night since the start of the mission, sharing a bed, usually in his quarters. _  
  
_Uhura tilted her head to one side, as though contemplating his words. “Why are you avoiding me?” she asked quietly. “Is it something I’ve done, or said?” _  
  
_“You have neither done nor said anything untoward,” he reassured her. _  
  
_“Then why, Spock? I’ve not seen you this…Vulcan…since I first met you in my first year at the Academy.” _  
  
_It was true, he had not exerted this level of control on himself for a number of years. “May I remind you that I _am_ Vulcan and—” _  
  
_Uhura’s stuck her chin out, her fists balled at her sides as her body radiated anger. “Stop it, Spock! Just tell me what wrong.” _  
  
_Spock could feel his control becoming more tenuous, her words infuriating him. “There is nothing _wrong_ , as you put it.” He turned towards his desk and picked up a padd. “If you’ll excuse me, I have much work to complete.” _  
  
_Uhura remained, and out of the corner of his eye, he could see her visibly relax her stance, before approaching him. He had long thought her own level of control was admirable. Taking one of his hands she stroked the palm in a gesture likely designed to give comfort. Instead, he felt lust overcome him. A moment later, he had bodily thrown her against the bulkhead which she hit with a shocked cry, crushing himself against her, pressing his hardness into her stomach as he slid his hand down to the heat between her legs. _  
  
_“Spock, stop it!” she shouted, pressing ineffectually at his chest. He could feel her attempt to close her legs, to prevent access to her, but his strength was far greater. He pushed her panties to one side and inserted a finger. She was unusually dry and she cried out. _  
  
_“Spock! Please, stop,” she said, tears beginning to flow down her face. _  
  
_Her anguish rolled over him like breaking waves, flooding him with her fear and sorrow, her anger and pain. It was the onslaught of her emotions that finally broke through his haze and, aghast at what he had almost done, he released her. _  
  
_“Spock?” she whispered, her breaths gasping as though she had been running. Her wide-eyed expression was one of shock. His behavior was reprehensible. Even though they were involved in an intimate relationship, he knew she would be well within her rights to press charges of assault. He was a danger to her – this woman whom he loved, whom he had ironically sworn to protect. He needed Nyota safe and away from him. _  
  
_Unable to look into her large, tear-filled eyes, Spock turned his back on her, staring at the broken padd that lay on the floor beside his desk. He had no recollection of dropping it when he had attacked her. “I apologize for my actions, Nyota. I ask that you leave me, as I require a period of meditation.” _  
  
_“You should see McCoy, Spock. There’s something wrong.” _  
  
_He spun round to face her. “No!” The word exploded from his lips, loud and harsh. The very thought of McCoy conducting an intrusive examination instilled a degree of panic in him. _  
  
_Her eyes widened and she backed towards the door, holding up her hands. “Okay, but if you’re no better tomorrow—” _  
  
_“I ask that you speak of this to no-one. You are aware how much I value my privacy. Promise me, Nyota.” _  
  
_She shook her head. “I can’t—” she replied, her voice sounding hoarse. _  
  
_“Promise me!” he demanded, feeling ire beginning to leak through his tenuous control. _  
  
_Her hand shakily rose to her face, wiping away the tears that had left wet tracks down her cheeks. “There’s something wrong with you Spock, you need—” _  
  
_“Please,” Spock almost whispered. How could he make her understand? He was ashamed she had seen him like this; the thought of others, of McCoy or Kirk… no outworlder should see him like this. _  
  
_Uhura regarded him for a minute and finally nodded. “Okay, I won’t tell anyone about this. But please reconsider…” _  
  
_Spock tensed at her words and, seeing this, she trailed off and shook her head. He could sense her confusion and sadness without even touching her. _  
  
_Uhura paused by the door. “Goodnight Spock. I hope you feel better tomorrow.” With those words she activated the door and left. _  
  
_That had been last night. Despite Uhura’s hope, Spock had woken that morning feeling no better. In fact he had found himself feeling nauseous and shaking in a manner he had not experienced since early childhood when he had succumbed to a virus. Now that he was on duty, he had gotten the shaking under control, but the nausea came upon him in waves. He was careful not to look at Uhura, fearing she would see how unwell he was, instead staring resolutely at his board and processing incoming information. _  
  
_“Spock?” Kirk said more loudly than normal, the sound of his name cutting through his attempt to control another wave of sickness. He was uncertain, but he may have jumped. As he turned to look at the captain, he noticed Kirk was frowning and began to wonder if that had perhaps not been the first time the captain had addressed him. Kirk rose from his seat and approached him, standing close. _  
  
_“Spock, are you okay?” he asked, quietly. _  
  
_Spock carefully schooled his face to neutral. “I am well, Captain.” He was aware it was an outright lie, but he knew if he admitted to feeling unwell, he would immediately be sent to the dispensary. _  
  
_“Then can you tell me any more about what Uhura’s picking up?” _  
  
_He felt a sense of panic, realizing he hadn’t heard Uhura’s initial comment to the captain. He glanced across, illogically hoping he would be able to discern what it was she had said, but quickly looked away when he saw the concerned expression on her face. _  
_  
“I was focused on running diagnostics of the secondary warp core containment field which Mr. Scott informed me earlier was showing intermittent fluctuations.” It was true that he had been undertaking that task, but ordinarily he had the capacity, even when doing complex calculations, to be able to pay attention to what was going on around him, and he knew Kirk was aware of that.  
 _  
_“Uhura’s picking up some kind of signal. Do you have anything on scanners?” _  
  
_Kirk moved away from him and he let out a breath he was unaware he had been holding as he quickly assessed the incoming scanner telemetry. The results surprised him. He glanced up to Kirk. _  
  
_“Sensors show a harmonic resonance of a supernova that originates outside the galaxy.” He then looked over to Uhura, his surprise evident, as it was an entirely commonplace background signal that she would have likely seen and certainly recognized many times. She appeared absorbed in her work and when he looked back to Kirk, he too, had glanced at the communications officer, no doubt thinking the same thing.  
 _  
_“Thank you, Mr. Spock.” He returned to his seat with a slightly puzzled expression on his face.  
 _  
_It took him more time than it should have to realize that while Uhura hadn’t overtly told Kirk of his condition as he had made her promise, she had nevertheless brought his captain’s attention to it. The realization left him feeling betrayed. _  
  
_Despite feeling ill, Spock carefully paid attention to the conversations that took place between his colleagues, though after the exchange, there were far fewer than was normal. The moment a member of his team arrived to replace him at the start of beta shift, he left the bridge before any questions could be asked. _  
  
_-=-=-  
  
The following morning, Spock felt no better and it took great effort get into his uniform and report to the bridge. He hadn’t eaten in several days and knew part of his weakness was from lack of nutrition. Even so, he thought he had been careful not to allow any symptoms to show, so it was with more than a little irritation when, seven minutes after he had taken his seat at the science station, he received a verbal summons from McCoy. _  
  
_“I need you to pop down to sickbay for a standard health screen.” _  
_  
“Doctor, I am not in need of a health screen at this time.” He could not allow McCoy to discover his sickness.  
  
“When was the last time you had one, Commander?”  
  
Spock found himself unable to answer, his normally faultless memory deserting him. Instead, he quickly thought through a number of excuses he could make to avoid the visit. “I am currently working on a project that cannot be interrupted—”  
  
“It can, Mr. Spock,” Kirk said from behind him. _  
  
_He swung his chair around, feeling anger mounting, to glare at his captain. _  
  
_“A brief visit to sickbay won’t be a problem,” Kirk added, as if to reassure. _  
  
_He did not want to go and began to protest. “Captain—”  
  
“Dismissed, Mr. Spock,” Kirk interrupted him, his voice brooking no argument.  
 _  
_As Spock stood, he felt his stomach roll and fought down a wave of nausea as he made his way towards the turbolift. Once the doors closed, Spock keyed in the level for his quarters. Under no circumstances would he allow McCoy to examine him. It was simply out of the question. _  
  
_If he had been in his right mind, he would have known that evading the doctor was not an option. Forty two minutes later, as he lay on his bed, McCoy buzzed his door, which he ignored. Despite having locked it, the doctor used his medical override to gain entry, and Spock’s nausea was replaced with indignation at the breach of his privacy. _  
  
_“What are you doing here?” McCoy asked as soon as he was inside. “You were supposed to report to sickbay.” _  
  
_Spock sat up, barely containing a wave of anger. “I did not give you permission to enter my quarters. You will leave now.” _  
  
_McCoy ignored him and pointed his medical tricorder at him. It was pure impulse – an attempt to prevent McCoy from discovering his symptoms, as before Spock was even consciously aware he’d moved, he had leapt to his feet, grabbed the delicate equipment from the doctor’s grasp and flung it at the wall beside McCoy’s head. _  
  
_The doctor’s eyes widened in shock as he dodged out of the way. “What the fuck are you doing, you green-blooded—” _  
  
_“Out!” Spock shouted, pointing imperiously at his door. _  
  
_He watched McCoy bend down to pick up the bits of the tricorder off the floor. To Spock’s mind, he wasn’t leaving fast enough. “Leave at once, or I shall be forced to bodily remove you myself.” _  
  
_That got McCoy’s attention and a moment later he exited, muttering his usual anti-Vulcan comments. In normal circumstances Spock simply ignored them, but now they inflamed him and it took every ounce of his self-control not to launch himself at McCoy and demonstrate what he thought of the doctor’s utter disrespect for him. As the door closed behind his nemesis, he increased the temperature in his room and sank back to his bed. Meditation, he knew, was beyond his reach. _  
  
Pon Farr._ He’d known it for days, but had refused to name it, refused, illogically to believe what the issue was. As a hybrid he’d hoped to be spared the fever, although given he was physiologically 87% Vulcan, he had long ago calculated that probability to be less than 5%. The figure was annoyingly imprecise, but he felt too uncomfortable, too distracted to be able to calculate more accurately. For the first time, he conceded he was compromised and unable to carry out his duty. _  
  
_For most of his adult life, he had expected at some point in time to return to Vulcan, to take T’Pring as his wife. Vulcan may have gone, but his betrothed had somehow survived. He did not want her – he was in love with Nyota, but he had no choice. It was his duty to marry, to begin a family and assist his people in repopulating their species. The thought of lying with T’Pring, being intimate with her, caused gall to rise in the back of his throat. He swallowed heavily. _  
  
_+ _  
  
_Before they had begun their relationship, hard though it had been for him, he had spoken to Nyota about his semi-martial status. _  
  
_“I am betrothed to another,” he had explained, as they had sat together on the couch in his apartment near the Academy. He watched her fingers play over his, felt every touch spike through him. _  
  
_Uhura glanced up from where their hands were in contact. “Forgive me for being blunt, but you don’t seem all that enamored with the idea.” _  
  
_“As is the traditional Vulcan way, the marriage was arranged by my parents and those of my fiancée when we were seven.” _  
  
_“Seven? You’ve got to be kidding me!” Uhura looked genuinely horrified at the statement. “What if you’re not compatible when you grow up?” _  
  
_“The mental connection overrides all matters. She and I are sufficiently attuned for a pre-marital bond to be created.” _  
  
_As soon as Spock had developed sufficient mental skills, he had blocked the bond, blocked T’Pring’s constant stream of scorn and derision of him. There was some irony that while her antipathy arose from the fact he was not fully Vulcan, his mental and telepathic abilities were in the ninety eighth percentile of all Vulcans. Once he had learned how to do it, thwarting her attempts to destabilize him had presented him with little challenge. _  
  
_Uhura twisted on the couch to face him, her free hand reaching out to caress his cheek. “It’s not what you want, is it?” _  
  
_She had always been stunningly perceptive, able to see beyond his Vulcan stoicism, as though she could see inside him, though he knew as a psi-null Human, that was impossible. It was what had allowed them to become so close, and he was as drawn to her as she was to him. _  
  
_He automatically leaned into her gentle touch, twisting his face to kiss her palm. “This issue is not what I want, Nyota,” he explained quietly. “It is what I must do. I have no choice in the matter.” _  
  
_“You wouldn’t have let us get this close if you had to remain faithful to your bond.” _  
  
_The comment was said as a statement, not a question. His weakness where Uhura was concerned had brought them to this place – far closer than was seemly, given his status. For two years, he had fought his desire, but his will under her continued onslaught was crumbling. _  
  
_“You are correct, in theory it is possible for me to share intimacy with you; however when the time comes, I _will_ marry T’Pring – of that there is no question. Given my situation, I would not ask you to share a romantic relationship when I am unable to commit to it.” _  
  
_“How long before you’re called back to Vulcan? Is there a date set?” _  
  
_He had no intention of giving Uhura the details of how Vulcans are called to bond with their betrothed. It was a private matter that was not shared with those not of his world. _  
  
_“No date is as yet set. There are other circumstances to be taken into consideration of which I cannot speak. Suffice to say I do not anticipate it will be for a number of years.” While he hoped it would never happen, he couldn’t tell Uhura that and give her potentially false hope. _  
  
_Uhura looked at him consideringly. “What if I was willing to take what I can, for as long as I can, Spock? I’ve fallen in love with you and would rather have whatever you can give me until the time comes. After you marry, we can stay friends.” _  
  
_He wanted nothing more, his own love for Uhura as strong and as deep as he could sense hers was for him. Yet, if they became more intimate, the thought that they would one day have to end it would hurt them both. While he was willing to go through it, he was reluctant to inflict such emotional pain on her. “It is not logical to begin something we cannot finish.” _  
  
_Through the touch of their hands, he felt Uhura’s reaction to his comment, sensing anger and frustration. “Don’t you dare bring logic into this. This isn’t something you can give an objective analysis to – we’re talking about our feelings for each other, Spock. And before you deny having feelings, I know you feel the same way about me.” Her face took on a look of wonder. “I’ve seen it.” _  
  
_The previous week they had shared a meld for the first time, and while he had thought he had adequately shielded, clearly he had not. It was testament to how attuned they were to each other that she had been able to see deeper into his mind than he had intended. Truly he could hide nothing from her. _  
  
_Since denial was pointless, he returned to his objection. “I do not wish to hurt you, Nyota.” _  
  
_“I’ll deal with it when the time comes,” she responded adamantly. _  
  
_Spock tried another tack, though there was no will behind his words. “It is against regulations for an Academy instructor and a cadet to—” _  
  
_Uhura cut off his final words by leaning forward and kissing him for the first time, and at the first touch of her soft, pliant lips against his, his resolve had turned to dust. Later, they had made love and it was everything Spock had imagined it would be, and more – all of their feelings for one another had been poured into the intimate act. _  
  
_+ _  
  
_Now that time they had spoken of was upon him, and the love he felt for Uhura, that had deepened over the four years of their relationship, would have to be buried forever in a sacred place that T’Pring would never have access to. With his control almost non-existent, his anguish was almost palpable, more than a physical ache deep inside, it was like an open wound he knew he would carry with him for the rest of his life. He wanted to shout at the injustice of it – of the love he was forced to let go by circumstances over which he had never had control, in order to bond with a woman for the remainder of his life, who despised him. What was worse, almost horrifying him, was that thoughts of T’Pring set his body on fire. He could feel his body inexorably drawn to her, their bond that the fever was finally preventing him from further suppression of, taking over, and it felt like an utter betrayal to everything he and Nyota had shared. _  
  
_His tormented thoughts were interrupted by his door buzzer sounding, but rather than answering it, he continued to lie, staring miserably at the ceiling. Hearing the door open, he glanced at one of only two people who had the authority to override his lock. Why couldn’t they just leave him alone? he wondered, feeling something between irritation and anger. _  
_  
“I did not invite you in, Captain.”  
  
Inevitably, Kirk ignored him and came to stand at the end of his bed. “I don’t recall giving you permission to stand down from your shift, Commander. I’m not going to ask why you didn’t report to sickbay as ordered, or why you destroyed an expensive piece of equipment. McCoy took enough of a reading for us to know what the problem is.”  
 _  
_Spock felt a rising panic and sat up almost snarling, causing Kirk to step back, visibly tensing as if for combat. Impossible! How could they know? Such things were not divulged to outworlders – Vulcans did not even speak of it among themselves, except within families to pass on the barest facts of the matter. Yet even as the thought formed, he knew it likely that with their species on the verge of extinction, the Vulcan Council had logically decided to share certain details with agencies where appropriate, StarFleet with its lone Vulcan employee being one of them.  
 _  
_At least he would not have to go through the humiliation of explaining Vulcan biology to his captain – he hadn’t even shared it with Uhura. “Then you know I must return to _T’Khasuzh_.” He stubbornly refused to refer to the colony by its most common designator, ‘Vulcan II’.  
 _  
_“Why? Uhura’s here, she—”  
  
“—is not my wife,” Spock cut in.  
  
“Your…?” Kirk’s voice trailed off, confusion clear on his face. “Explain,” he ordered.  
  
Spock had no intention of going into any detail. Kirk was intelligent, he would work it out. “I must return to the colony to meet my wife at the appointed place.”  
  
Kirk’s confusion turned to surprise. “Not Uhura?”  
 _  
_If he and Uhura had married, even in secret, they would have been duty-bound to inform the captain. The captain’s question was therefore illogical. Spock fought his exasperation and kept his voice level. “My betrothed, T’Pring.”  
  
“What about Uhura?” Kirk asked, and Spock detected a tone of anger in the Human’s voice. “Are you just dumping her?” _  
  
_Spock wanted to end this conversation with its painful reminder of what he was doing to the woman he loved, but he knew Kirk would not stop until he had the answers he wanted. “The lieutenant was aware of my status.”  
  
Although he was staring at the floor, he could feel Kirk’s assessing eyes on him. “I’ll contact StarFleet and request to route via the colony to drop you off.” There was a pause, as if waiting for an answer. When none came, he turned and left.  
  
Shortly after Kirk’s departure, McCoy returned looking wary. “I’ve got something to fix your nausea and a few of your other symptoms,” he said, holding up a hypospray. _  
  
_“What is it?” Spock asked suspiciously, sitting up and swinging his legs off his bed. _  
  
_“A formula your medical people at the colony forwarded to me after I got in touch with Ambassador Spock.” _  
  
_The doctor remained by the door and it was as though, thought Spock, he were dealing with a dangerous animal in pain. The simile was not wholly inappropriate and at another time, the thought and the image it elicited, might have amused him. _  
  
_“Very well,” he agreed, since the concoction was likely to be efficacious. _  
  
_McCoy approached him holding the hypospray out in front of him. Spock remained seated and a moment later, felt a cold sting against his neck. _  
  
_“You know, you could have saved us all a lot of trouble if you’d just come out and told us about this when the symptoms began,” McCoy said, when he’d retreated to what he likely deemed a safe distance. _  
  
_Spock had no intention of responding to the comment, especially since it was in the past and beyond his ability to alter his actions. As seconds passed, he could feel the worst of his symptoms diminishing, the shaking he had expended so much effort preventing, ceasing, and the constant nausea lifting. “Thank you, Doctor,” he said in genuine gratitude. _  
  
_“I’ll stop by every twelve hours to check up on you and administer it. Now, eat something.” _  
  
_Spock simply stared at him and with a muffled noise, McCoy spun round and left. _  
  
_An hour after Alpha shift ended, Uhura came to him with a tray of food and he allowed her entry. “We’re en-route for _T’Khasuzh_ ,” she said as she came through the door. _  
  
_Spock knew he should have told her before Kirk got to her, but there was nothing he could do about it now. “I am aware.” _  
  
_“You told me one day you’d be drawn to T’Pring, but I guess you left out some of the details,” she said with a note of accusation as she placed the tray on his desk. _  
  
_It was with some surprise that Spock realized he had enough of an appetite to eat. “I could not say more – it is not something we speak of.” _  
  
_Uhura seemed to accept the statement. “Am I safe to stay for a while?” _  
  
_Spock inwardly winced at the memory of his assault on her a few days earlier. “I believe the medication McCoy has given me is staving off the worst of the symptoms.” _  
  
_Uhura nodded, apparently satisfied by that, and sat down at his desk. Spock took a seat on the other side and contemplated the food on the tray, all of which was traditional Vulcan fare, and of a light enough quality that it was unlikely to disturb his sensitive stomach. More than likely, McCoy had been involved in the selection. _  
  
_In silence, he ate the soup, dipping into it the small ball of _kap_ , a type of sweet bread he had not eaten since the mission had begun. When he finished, he turned to the small _yarmok_ salad, which he noted on his first mouthful had been dressed in herbs and oil from the _kov-sayas_ nut. It made a most pleasing combination. _  
  
_Uhura waited until he had finished eating and had pushed the tray to one side before she spoke. “I guess this is it.” _  
  
_Spock felt an ache in his chest he knew had nothing to do with his _Pon Farr_ symptoms. “Nyota, I—” _  
  
_“No,” she interrupted. “Don’t say anything, and especially don’t tell me you’re sorry. We both went into this with our eyes open; you were honest with me right from the start.” _  
  
_Her face held what Spock had come to think of as her determined expression. She was clearly not going to allow him to shoulder any blame for the hurt she no doubt was feeling. Her strong sense of accountability, her utter refusal to be the ‘victim’, made him love her all the more. _  
  
_Spock reached out across the desk and Uhura met his hand halfway. All the love she felt for him came crashing through his tenuous defenses, and he poured his back to her. For the first time in his life, Spock truly understood the meaning of ‘a broken heart’. In Human mythology, the heart was considered the place where love resided and while much of his current anguish had manifested itself in a physical ache in his chest where a Human heart would be, now he felt a stab of pain in his lower right side, just where his own Vulcan heart was located. He swallowed hard as he gently gripped her hand as though it were a lifeline to saner, happier times. Though it was a highly irrational and therefore illogical thought, he could not help but wonder at how cruel the universe was, for taking away the two most cherished women in his life. _  
  
_As tears silently rolled down her face, it was likely his almost complete lack of control that was the reason he was unable to prevent his own tears from spilling over. He had no idea how long they sat and silently cried together. __  
  



	2. Chapter 2

Over the coming days as the ship drew nearer to his destiny, Spock discovered that whatever was in the medication allowed him to meditate, which he did whenever he was not sleeping or eating. Uhura had not visited again, his food brought to him by McCoy, along with continued doses of medication. __

 __While off-duty, he had received a number of messages, including ones from T’Pau and his father, both of which he left unopened, as though ignoring them would put off the inevitable. It was not logical, but this was not a logical time. __

 __He did, however, open messages from Kirk which provided him with updated information on their journey, their time of arrival at the colony and the fact that his father was currently off-planet (and was apparently aware of Spock’s status). __

 __However, Kirk chose not to visit again until the night before their arrival. When he walked in, Spock was sitting, cross-legged on the floor. He heard the captain say his name, but ignored it until he heard Kirk repeat his name and then tentatively touch his arm. Snapping his eyes open, he found Kirk sitting opposite him, mirroring his posture. The physical contact was unwelcome and he grabbed the Human’s wrist. __

 __“Do not touch me,” he said, then released his grip on Kirk’s arm.

“We’ll be there tomorrow,” Kirk said, as though Spock’s behavior was entirely normal. “Is there anything you need from me?”

The question was unexpected. “Need? I do not believe I require any more than you are providing, Captain.”  
 _  
_Kirk stared at him for a moment as if weighing up a decision. “I don’t know how Vulcan marriage ceremonies go, but on Earth it usually involves family and friends.” __

 __Spock parsed the words in his mind, coming to the conclusion that Kirk was making an offer based on their friendship. “You wish to accompany me.” _  
_  
Kirk appeared mildly flustered. “Well yes, but not necessarily _just_ me—”  
 _  
_It was out of the question that the debacle that was to be his wedding should be witnessed by anyone. However, it was a long-held tradition to bring a companion, based on the ancient right of _kal-if-fee_ , a challenge that had not been invoked in over a millennia. It was logical therefore that Kirk, as the person he was closest to after Uhura – whom he most certainly did not wish to take – be present with him as tradition dictated. _  
_  
“I will permit you to attend,” Spock cut in.  
 _  
_He felt Kirk’s assessing gaze on him – clearly it had not been the answer his captain had been expecting. No matter, he had decided. __

 __“Thank you, Spock. I’d be honored. How long is the ceremony?”

“It is brief.” __

 __Mercifully. He knew the moment T’Pring was in close proximity, he would slide inexorably into the _Plak Tow_. Even the thought of her made his body burn, yet he felt simultaneously repelled. When it came to the Time, he knew that any remaining ambivalence will be burned away. But at this moment, while still sane, the idea disgusted him. His relationship with Uhura had been loving and passionate. His marriage, he knew, would be loveless and utterly barren. For the first time, he found himself envying Humans and their shorter life-spans.

His attention was brought back to the present when Kirk rose and, after reminding him of their arrival time at the colony, quickly departed. __

 __Sitting on the floor, alone in his quarters, the thought crossed his mind that he could be spared a lifetime with T’Pring by simply taking his life. Suicide was not only deemed illogical, it brought great shame to the families of those who had undertaken it, by virtue of the fact that it was an act that was entirely motivated by emotion. It was not this, but rather the reminder that his people were already on the verge of extinction, that caused him to push the idea away. Duty, as always, came first and foremost. How ironic, he realized, that it was duty that caused him to be in a situation where he had contemplated it, and duty which prevented him from acting on it.

-=-=-  
 _  
_The air was pleasantly warm and dry as they materialized beside a facsimile of the place of kun-ut-kal-if-fee that had stood in the grounds of his family’s ancestral home for millennia. At the distant sound of bells, Spock could feel his body beginning to burn and knew, with a sense of relief, that his lust would soon be slaked, his fires extinguished. __

 __T’Pau’s sedan was placed at the head of the stone circle. “Spock, you bring an outworlder to this ceremony,” she said, her tone imperious. _  
_  
“He is a friend – I am permitted this,” Spock reminded her, the words not coming easily to him as his blood began to ignite.  
 _  
_The matriarch indicated they were to approach. “Thee are Captain Kirk,” she said, speaking in High Vulcan. Spock knew his captain could speak his native language well enough to be able to respond appropriately.

“Yes, ma’am,” he replied, lifting his hand into the _Ta’al_. __

 __T’Pau failed to return the gesture as was customary, instead, turning to him with a question. “Thee names this outworlder ‘friend’.” Curiously, Spock noted, she used the ancient Vulcan word, ‘t’hy’la’, which Kirk would not likely understand. “How does thee pledge his behavior?” she asked him.

Spock focused his concentration on the ritualistic answer. “With my life, T’Pau.”  
 _  
_The old woman spoke further, but he could no longer focus on her words as the _Plak Tow_ began to take hold. All he heard was _Kah-if-farr_ and turned towards the gong to signify the beginning of the ceremony. He saw T’Pring break from the group and felt his body burn for her, his blood like molten lava flowing through his veins, setting him afire. As he was about to strike, she held her hand up to prevent it. __

 __“Kal-if-fee.”

Spock shook his head in an attempt to focus through the fire of his body, as if the movement would somehow diminish the conflagration that was sweeping through him. He tried to make sense of what was happening, for surely T’Pring had not just challenged – it was impossible. The _Plak Tow_ must be causing him to hallucinate. Kirk and T’Pau were speaking, but he could not hear over the roar in his ears. Was that his name, his captain had spoken? __

 __Kirk was shaking his head and then T’Pau spoke more loudly, addressing his wife. _  
_  
“T'Pring, thee has chosen the kal-if-fee, the challenge. Thee are prepared to become the property of the victor?”

“I am prepared,” she answered, not looking at him.  
 _  
_It was true – not an illusion. Who was it who stood so close to his mate? Who exchanged such looks with her? He felt murderous jealousy and rage flow through him. _  
_  
“Spock, does thee accept the challenge according to our laws and customs?”  
 _  
_Somehow, Spock broke through the fever to respond. “I do, T’Pau.” __

 __“T'Pring,” T’Pau said loudly. “Thee will choose thy champion.”

“As it was in the dawn of our days,” she began, her voice like water to cool the flames of his burning soul. “As it is today, as it will be for all tomorrows, I make my choice. I choose Stonn.”  
 _  
_Kirk began to say something and T’Pau silenced him. Spock could barely comprehend the events as he found himself being driven by the most primal urges, any veneer of civilization swallowed in the murderous fury he now felt. All he knew, with utter single-mindedness, was that he wanted to kill Stonn for attempting to take his mate from him. _  
_  
“I accept the challenge,” Stonn said, stepping away from T’Pring’s side.  
 _  
_So, it was done, his fate sealed. Spock’s violent thoughts towards his challenger were so anathema to him, that he desperately fought the effects of the _Plak Tow_. For a brief moment, rationality asserted itself, long enough for him to size up his opponent who was strong, healthy and not crippled by _Pon Farr_ , and knew, with absolute certainty, that today would be the day he would die. He accepted his destiny – better than spending his life bonded to a woman who could not bear to look at him. This way, he would be spared a living death without bringing shame on Sarek and what few remained of the House of Surak. His only regrets were losing Uhura, even as a friend, and the certain knowledge that she would be devastated by his unfortunate demise. He hoped she would one day forgive him for all the pain he had brought her – the one being he loved above all others. __

 __T’Pau was speaking again, but through the haze that once again enveloped his mind, the only words he caught were ‘ _ahn woon_ ’.  
 _  
_Logically, he should have capitulated immediately and allowed Stonn to finish him off quickly. But with his control now utterly gone, his natural survival instinct took over and for a while, he and Stonn fought hard. But he was weaker and suddenly there was a tightening at his throat to a degree he could no longer breathe. He allowed his body to go limp accepting, even welcoming death as Stonn’s snarling face began to fade. _  
_  
“Kroykah!” came the command as though from a long way away. His body was closing down, his brain’s higher functions ceasing, as a beautiful, bright light beckoned his katra forth towards eternity.

“Kroykah!” he heard again just before welcoming the end, the light turning black. _  
_  
When Spock came to, he was gulping air into his starved lungs. More surprising than the fact that the fever had retreated to a manageable level, was that he was alive. That was impossible – the challenge was to the death. He could feel foreign emotions flood him and realized Kirk was holding him, cradling him in his arms, panicked and angry. __

 __“Spock, Kirk, attend,” came T’Pau’s voice from a long way distant. Unable to deny the command, he forced his eyes open and attempted to stand, but a wave of dizziness overcame him and he faltered, coughing through his injured trachea.

“Here, let me help you, Spock,” he heard Kirk say, as the Human wrapped an arm around him to support him. With difficulty he rose, and slowly they made their way to T’Pau’s sedan, his mind all the while still trying to make sense of what had happened, why he was still alive. He glanced around, but both T’Pring and Stonn were gone.

“Kneel before me. I would have your minds.”

He felt the matriarch slice into his consciousness, the power of her mind far beyond his ability to block in his weakened condition. She created a conduit – a three-way joining, and he was able to sense Kirk, his thoughts, jumbled and confused. Spock knew there was a reason she had joined them thus, but he was incapable of recalling why until too late, as he saw her link the chains of a bond between his mind and Kirk’s, and then withdraw. __

 __“It is done.”

“What’s done?” Kirk asked him, but Spock was unable to respond as his brain was beyond being capable of processing what had just taken place. Inside he screamed ‘no’, but it was too late. __

 __“You are bonded,” came T’Pau’s fateful words. “Spock is chattel to you. He is yours.”  
 _  
_Nyota! Spock cried out in his head in grief. What had he done? How could it be that he had rejected his lover, only to find he had lost his betrothed, too? A part of him, still irrational, wanted to believe this was some kind of nightmare, not really happening; that he would awaken in his quarters, not having yet arrived at the colony. _  
_  
The moment T’Pau was transported away on her sedan, the remainder of those congregated, following her, Kirk turned to him, his face flushed with the anger that also radiated to him through their new telepathic link. “Spock, what the fuck’s going on?” Kirk demanded to know. “What’s she talking about, bonded?”  
 _  
_Spock swallowed hard, still in shock, attempting to bring enough order to his thoughts to answer his captain. The madness of the _Plak Tow_ may have vanished, but _Pon Farr_ was still affecting him. “I failed the _kal-if-fee_ ,” he said, finally. “As my _t’hy’la_ – the one who accompanied me – I am given over to you. As is tradition and your right under Vulcan law, T’Pau bonded us.”  
 _  
_Saying the words brought him more pain. It was never supposed to be Kirk. He wasn’t drawn to him, didn’t love him. Nyota was the one he wanted – how could this travesty have happened? _  
_  
“Bonded as in married.” Kirk said, and Spock didn’t need to hear the tone of utter disbelief, as he could sense it, loud and clear, through their fledgling bond. He couldn’t bring himself to say more and simply nodded.  
 _  
_Nyota, will you ever forgive me? he wondered. His thoughts were interrupted by a sense of Kirk’s internal denial and the beginnings of a resolution to undo what had been done. Should his captain do that, unbonded, he would die and further shame, after the humiliation of the challenge, would be brought to what remained of his family. _  
_  
“This bond – it’s a telepathic link. Right?”

Spock realized with a stab of guilt that he wasn’t blocking their link and it was likely Kirk was picking up some semblance, at the very least, of his wayward and uncontrolled emotions; he immediately made reparation “Affirmative,” he said, quietly.

“Can you read all my thoughts?”

Spock focused on strengthening the barrier, but unlike the bond he had shared with T’Pring, which had been weak and inconsequential, the one he now shared with Kirk was unexpectedly strong. As a result, it was taking a considerable degree of psionic energy to close their minds off to one another, and his attempt to block completely, failed, as Kirk’s confusion, fear and anger poured through to him. “I am attempting to block your thoughts to maintain a degree of privacy. However, I am unused to shielding to this degree and am currently only partially successful.”

A wave of arousal washed over Spock’s body at the proximity of his new bondmate.

“The _Pon Farr_ ,” Kirk suddenly said. “Do you—?”

Spock didn’t let him finish. “The need to mate has severely diminished since the challenge.” Perhaps, given his hybrid physiology, he could meditate it away, he thought, before another wave of lust flowed over him and he had to do everything he could to prevent himself reaching out to touch his captain.

“But it’s not gone altogether. Look, as soon as we get back, I'll sign Uhura off duty so she can help you out, okay?”

Despite his higher faculties screaming at how wrong it was because he loved her, his body lusted after his mate and no other would satisfy him.

Spock forced himself to look at his captain. “The fever draws me to my bondmate.”

Spock could easily sense Kirk's fear. He knew his captain to be heterosexual. His captain had also seen how volatile the Fever had made in the days prior to their arrival, so this emotional response was understandable.

“You are afraid." The part of him that now connected him to bondmate wanted to take away his fear, to set him free, though it would likely cost his own life. "It is possible that certain meditation techniques will alleviate the…issue.”

“You know that for certain?"

Spock was unable to meet the compelling blue gaze. “I do not," he admitted. "No Vulcan has successfully achieved it. However with my hybrid physiology there is a possibility—"

"What are the odds?" Kirk interrupted.

He knew he was defeated at the first hurdle, as he couldn't lie to Kirk, even if he wanted to. The link was strong enough that his bondmate would detect any untruth or attempt at obfuscation. "Given that my physiology is eighty eight percent Vulcan and I have been subjected to Pon Farr, I estimate it to be less than one percent."

"Assuming it doesn't work, what are the options?"

Now was the time to be absolutely honest. He felt utterly defeated as he finally admitted, "To consummate the bond or die.”

Kirk shook his head once, a look of steely determination crossing his face. He had seen it before, the first time during the Narada crisis at Vulcan. "The second one isn't an option. I’m not going to let you die because of my male pride.”

Spock didn't want Kirk's sacrifice. “Captain, you do not have to—”

“Since I’m your husband," he interrupted, "don’t you think you should be calling me Jim?” Kirk smiled, but it didn't show in his eyes, and across their link, the fear hadn't dissipated. “And I know I don’t have to. But I’m not going to stand by and let you die when it's within my power to save you.” And then Kirk did something he had never done before: reaching out his captain squeezed his shoulder, the brief touch setting him alight. “I’m sorry," Kirk continued, "I know how private you are, but we’re going to have to tell Bones.”

Unable to speak, he nodded his agreement.

“Two to beam up,” Kirk said into his communicator and, a moment later, the ceremonial grounds dissolved in a haze of shimmering light.

-=-=-


	3. Chapter 3

Having showered and changed, Spock sat alone in his quarters, after McCoy’s intervention in the transporter room, the medication had relegated the _Pon Farr_ for the moment to a background disturbance. __

 __He dreaded the moment he would have to tell Uhura what had happened. It was not something he could yet face while still in this fragile state, so he had made it clear that he was not to be disturbed by anyone other than Kirk and that other than McCoy, the captain was not to divulge the circumstances that had surrounded their visit to the colony to anyone. __

 __Kirk he knew was, with McCoy’s help, preparing himself. It was logical he do everything he could to mitigate injury, though he could also sense Kirk’s apprehension through the bond and suspected there was a degree of procrastination in his actions. __

 __Spock could wait no longer and using their connecting bathroom, entered Kirk’s cabin unbidden. _  
_  
“Jim.” __

 __Kirk looked up from where he was sitting on his bed and smiled nervously. __

 __Spock regarded his new bondmate. While he could acknowledge that Kirk was handsome by Earth standards, he had never before been drawn to a male, had never found their physique the thing of beauty that he saw and was drawn to in the female form. He refused to allow his mind to make a direct physical comparison between Uhura and Kirk as what he was going through was hard enough as it was. __

 __“There is a Vulcan term, _kaiidth_ , meaning ‘what is, is’. Neither of us was to know that T’Pring would challenge. I regret that when Nyota discovers our bond, she will be adversely affected.”

“Yeah, and it’ll be me she’ll be mad at, not you.” __

 __It was more than likely true, though in reality, if anyone was to blame, it was him for failing to anticipate T’Pring’s actions. He accepted responsibility, even though the last time the challenge was invoked at a Vulcan marriage, on Earth, Ghengis Khan was terrorizing the far east and the Europeans were waging The Crusades against the Arab world. __

 __“I will speak to her,” he reassured his mate.  
 _  
_They exchanged a few words of banter before Kirk’s face became serious. “And what about you? Do you need to—?” __

 __Lust washed over him and was clearly picked up by Kirk who halted mid-sentence. He attempted to control it, but it had little effect.

“Spock, have you ever had sex with a male before?”

“No.” __

 __All thoughts ceased as Kirk stood up and removed his top, and Spock found himself staring at the Human’s broad, sparsely-haired chest. The muscles on his abdomen rippled as he bent over to push his sweats off and, despite everything, he felt himself harden in anticipation.  
 _  
_“Lights to twenty five percent,” Kirk ordered before standing upright.  
 _  
_Spock watched as Kirk got onto his bed and lay down, his briefs covering the soft bulge of his genitals. On the nightstand he noticed several tubes of lubrication, more than likely given to him by McCoy. At the notion of what they would be used for, a small, objective part of him thought it should feel strange climbing into bed with one’s commanding officer, but the greater part of him was driven by their shared bond that continued to scream for completion. _  
_  
Following Kirk’s lead, Spock stripped down to his briefs and sat astride Kirk, running his fingers over the soft, cool skin. Once again, he had to force his mind not to make a comparison between Kirk and Uhura and, leaning forward, made to kiss Kirk in order to take his mind off such unhelpful thoughts. __

 __“No kissing,” Kirk said before he’d gotten halfway down. __

 __Spock was both surprised and curious and wondered at the reason for Kirk’s command, as he had had occasion to see him kiss women. Perhaps, given the speed with which everything had happened, his mate wasn’t ready for that particular intimacy. It occurred to him that the mind-meld, which usually accompanied sexual relations between bondmates, was even more intimate. Accepting Kirk’s need for distance, he made a decision to do his best not to initiate one. __

 __“As you wish.” His need to burn off his _Pon Farr_ in his mate’s body was diminishing his ability to control his lust. It was time to remove the final physical barrier between them and standing, he first took off his briefs before asking Kirk’s permission to remove his. Once naked, Spock’s eyes were drawn to the Human’s lax cock and, despite it being an entirely novel situation, the desire to hold it was overwhelming. A moment later he was on his knees and, without conscious thought, engulfed it. It was as if his mouth had the ability to suck blood into the shaft as he felt it stiffen against his tongue and lips. __

 __Rolling Kirk’s testicles with one hand and reaching to tweak a nipple with the other, in only a few minutes, he sensed his mate’s imminent orgasm and redoubled his efforts until, with a muffled gasp from Kirk, his mouth was filled with a bitter, salty fluid that he swallowed greedily. Fascinating. __

 __Without looking at him, Kirk turned onto his stomach, presenting himself like a sacrificial lamb on an alter, his clear apprehension flowing through their bond. Despite his sense of urgency, Spock could not bring himself to simply take what he needed. Instead, he got back onto the bed and gently massaged Kirk’s back, sliding down to the firm buttocks. He could feel his mate tense and sought to relax him with gentle movements. Pulling the cheeks apart, he leaned down and began to lick and tease the tight ring of muscle and heard a lush groan for his effort. __

 __Without breaking rhythm, he reached out and grabbed the lube, slathering some onto his hand before replacing his tongue with a finger. He heard Kirk’s breath hitch and sitting up, pressed in a second and then a third finger. Satisfied he was as relaxed as he was likely to be, given the circumstances, Spock gently lifted Kirk’s hips, bringing him to his knees. He coated his erection in a generous helping of lubrication as it reached out obscenely towards his mate like a snake blindly seeking shelter from the sun. __

 __It took all of Spock’s self control to penetrate Kirk slowly in order to minimize the pain he was likely to feel. Once fully inserted, he paused, listening to Kirk’s panting breaths until they slowed, before beginning to move. It felt so different to penetrating a vagina yet, even so, the sensation was exquisite, as though the cool body wrapped tightly around him was dousing his fire. __

 __He desperately wished to meld with his mate, knowing it would make their copulation so much more satisfying, but he was truly reluctant to take more from the man whose life he had just turned upside down. If Kirk didn’t ask for it, then neither would he. __

 __Instead he focused on providing Kirk with as much sexual gratification as possible. To this end, he adjusted the angle of his thrusts, aware of the spot in his mate that he hoped would bring him pleasure and, as he pressed in, Kirk gasped. _  
_  
“Fuck Spock, do that again.”  
 _  
_They found a rhythm, and wishing to give his mate greater pleasure, reached down and, knocking Kirk’s hand away, began to pump his length in time with his own thrusts. Unable to hold out any longer, the need for completion became overwhelming as the fierce grip of Kirk’s rectal muscles became too much for him. His orgasm spread over him like a forest fire, lighting up every nerve of his body as, deep inside his mate, his cock flexed and jerked, shooting stream after stream of his seed deep inside Kirk. His climax seemed to trigger Kirk’s and, with a howl, he spilled over Spock’s fist. __

 __Untangling themselves, they fell into a prone position, still trying to catch their breaths. _  
_  
“Fuck,” was Kirk’s eloquent comment when he was finally able to speak.

The pronouncement amused Spock. “Quite,” he said and Kirk laughed. After all the tension of that day and the circumstances that had changed both their lives, the sound was a welcome one. Their friendship would see them through this.  
 _  
_Spock reached out and ran his fingers over Kirk’s right hand, the touch both reassuring and erotic. __

 __“How are you feeling?” Kirk asked and before he had answered, he knew Kirk had gotten a sense of his current status through the bond that was now humming vibrantly between them.

“I believe you have discerned my current status.” __

 __They had only just begun and already, they were a mess. Getting up he went into the bathroom and leaving the door open, he first relieved himself and then sought a suitable cloth. Wetting it, he washed himself and, rinsing it out, he returned to clean his mate. Kirk was embarrassed at first and tried to take the cloth from him until Spock insisted he be allowed to perform this small task for his mate. _  
_  
Spock watched as Kirk drifted off to sleep. Though his body was masculine, he could see the aesthetic beauty in it, trim and muscular, Kirk kept himself in the peak of physical condition. Reaching out, he gently slid his fingers through Kirk’s hair, so different from… He pushed the thought away, instead focusing on the sensation of the soft strands against his sensitive fingers. For a while and held off awakening him until his need became urgent, his erection pressing insistently against a cool Human thigh. __

 __“Jim.”

“Mmm?”

“Intercourse does not need to be exclusive to me.”  
 _  
_Kirk’s drowsiness vanished in an instant as he pushed himself up into a sitting position. He looked incredulous. “You mean…I can get to fuck you too?” __

 __The thought of his mate wrapped around him and inside him, made him harden impossibly further. “Indeed. In fact, I desire it.”

Kirk admitted that much as he wanted it too, he needed more time to recover from his two orgasms. Instead, he suggested they spoon, a term he was familiar with from Uhura. The thought of her again brought a temporary feeling of pain to him, but he ruthlessly pushed it away. Jim was his mate and it was inappropriate to be thinking of a past lover at such a time. __

 __Kirk needed little preparation and within minutes, he was once again pressed against and inside his mate’s body. Using every ounce of his control, he prevented himself from pounding mindlessly into his mate, instead finding a rhythm together. When he felt Kirk’s fingers link with his where they gripped the Human’s hip, the intimate touch immediately sparked his orgasm. He cried out as he came, the sense of physical relief almost overwhelming. __

 __Once again he cleansed them both and, lying side by side on their backs, Kirk turned his head. “You okay?” __

 __The question was such a bland one, given all that had taken place that day. “I believe the saying goes, _‘I have been better’_ ,” he said, dryly.

Kirk laughed and Spock allowed a small smile, appreciating the fact that he could also sense his mate’s inner amusement. __

 __“I was going to suggest you let me know when you need to release again, but I don’t think you need to. It’s odd feeling what you’re feeling. Aren’t you shielding at the moment?”  
 _  
_It was one thing to sense Kirk across their bond – he was a telepath and used to it; but the fact that he was clearly unable to entirely block his own emotions and needs from his mate was cause for concern as he didn’t want to impose himself in a way that Kirk might find disturbing. _  
_  
“I am. It is the intensity of _Pon Farr_ that is bleeding across, beyond my ability to block. I apologize for the intrusion.”

To his surprise, Kirk smiled, and through the bond, he sensed acceptance. “There’s no need to apologize. It’s not like you wanted this.”

“I appreciate your understanding, Jim.” __

 __The more peaceful sense didn’t last long, as he began to feel Kirk’s embarrassment bleeding through when the Human knelt behind him and prepared him for penetration. He was reminded that while the bond and _Pon Farr_ caused him to be drawn to Kirk and such intimacy was desired, being a non-telepath, it was not reciprocated in the same way. Behind him, he knew his captain was overly conscious that he had his fingers pressed deep inside his first officer’s ass, and that said officer was decidedly male. __

 __Spock felt some relief that the emotional discomfort displayed by his mate was replaced by rapture shortly after penetration, allowing him to analyze the unique sensations of male copulation. Despite being aware of the mechanics of homosexual intercourse among Human men, he had always regarded the anus as an exit, the final point of the alimentary canal. While he understood the instinct of male Humans – and Vulcans – to penetrate, that orifice being used in such a manner had always puzzled him. Yet now that he was experiencing it for himself, while the feeling of fullness was somewhat disconcerting, there was certainly an erotic element too. It wasn’t just the knowledge that his body was providing pleasure for his mate, there was something primal about being taken in such a manner that appealed to him. He found himself beginning to eagerly push back against Kirk, the slapping of their bodies and their harsh breathing the only sounds in the cabin. _  
_  
“You okay?”

Spock was so utterly distracted that it took a moment to process Kirk’s question. “I…yes.”

A moment later, he felt Kirk’s fist grip his cock and the erotic sensations doubled his pleasure. Their coupling became so wild and enthusiastic that Spock’s orgasm was upon him before he realized, his pulsing internal muscles gripping Kirk’s length and quickly sending him over the edge. __

 __For a minute they lay together, before Spock realized that he needed the bathroom urgently, the fever not allowing him his usual level of control. He had not anticipated Kirk wishing to indulge in anal intercourse with him, so had failed to prepare as his bondmate had clearly done. Locking the bathroom door, he could sense his mate’s concern and attempted to send a message of reassurance back. __

 __When he returned, Kirk suggested they shower and eat. Not having had one of McCoy’s medical concoctions since the previous day, Spock had little appetite, though Kirk appeared ravenous. __

 __Spock sat wearing nothing but Kirk’s robe, attempting to remember what had taken place after they had beamed down to the colony – his memory was somewhat hazy. He recalled T’Pring’s challenge and the fact that both he and her champion had survived the kal-if-fee. _  
_  
“The ritual has apparently been altered since Vulcan’s destruction,” he said after some consideration.

“Yeah, T’Pring said as much,” Kirk agreed before suddenly dropping his fork onto his plate with a clatter and stared at him incredulously. “Wait…you didn’t _know_ when you accepted the challenge?”

“I was unaware of the alteration,” he responded quietly.

“You accepted the challenge believing it would lead to death?” Kirk asked, looking aghast at the thought. “And given the state you were in, most likely yours?”

“Yes. Regaining consciousness was most unexpected,” he answered truthfully.  
 _  
_The answer seemed to push Kirk into his own world as he quietly finished off the remains of his meal. __

 __For the remainder of the day, whenever Kirk was able to achieve an erection, Spock insisted his mate take him and, all other times, he took Kirk. It was in the early hours of ship’s night, right after Spock had emptied himself into his exhausted mate that he knew his _Pon Farr_ was over. __

 __Now that he no longer had need of his mate, he wouldn’t press Kirk for further intimacy beyond what they had shared, aware that his captain had continued to hold himself back throughout, not allowing kissing nor fellating him. He would wait for Kirk to come to him. __

 __Given there was no longer a need for physical closeness, he lay down away from Kirk and, staring at the ceiling, announced with more sadness than relief, “It is over.”

After all they had shared, their bond was wide open and before he closed it down completely, he allowed Kirk’s feelings to wash over him. He felt the opposite from Kirk – a sense of relief that it was over, together with sadness that it had not been Uhura to whom he had bonded. __

 __The thought made Spock turn to look at Kirk, as a sense of deep regret washed over him. _  
_  
“I’m sorry, Spock,” Kirk said quietly. Spock was uncertain if the apology was simply because of the debacle that had occurred that morning, or if it also included the fact that Kirk was unwilling to be more than a convenient body to slake his biological need, and now that it was over, so was the intimacy they had shared.  
 _  
_“You are not at fault, Jim,” he was quick to reassure. __

 __“I’m not going to break it – the bond, I mean. I know it would look bad for you with your family and the colony. And, to be honest, I don’t want to be the focus of a lot of unwanted publicity – the media would have a field-day and I don’t think StarFleet would take too kindly to it, either.” __

 __There was nothing he could say to that – in a few words, Kirk had just banished him to a life in limbo. Their bond was to be in name only – Kirk clearly had no intention of coming to him. Sensing his mate’s need for space, he silently collected his uniform and entered his own quarters through their shared bathroom. Lying on his own bed, he wondered if being alive, but bonded to the wrong person – someone who clearly didn’t want him – was actually preferable to the death he had fully expected at Stonn’s hands. _  
_  
-=-=-  
 _  
_Spock slept fitfully and rising at his usual hour to report for duty, discovered a note from McCoy informing him he was light duties and was to report to him at 09:00 for an examination. __

 __Automatically carrying out a somatic catalogue, he realized he felt a degree of equanimity he had not experienced for 12.4 days, being completely absent of any of the ill effects of the fever. Even the notion of McCoy’s examination left him largely unmoved, despite the fact its inevitable degree of intrusiveness was entirely unwanted. __

 __He left a note for Nyota to reassure him he was recovered and a request to pay him a visit at the end of her shift. That was a conversation he would rather avoid, knowing that she would have a strong emotional reaction to the news. __

 __McCoy’s examination, which included an endoscopy to ensure there were no fissures along his sigmoid colon, was as uncomfortable as he expected. __

 __“Just a little inflammation, which is to be expected,” McCoy said as he pulled up his uniform trousers. “I can give you something for it.” __

 __Enough of the doctor’s medications had disagreed with him that he had learned only to accept what he absolutely needed. “That will not be necessary, Doctor.” __

 __McCoy made an exasperated sound at the back of his throat. “Thought you’d say that. Let me check your hormone levels.” A moment later, he was being scanned by a tricorder. “It’s all looking good – everything’s back to virtually normal. You’ve got some continued swelling of the vlakh glands, which isn’t surprising, but otherwise, you’re fit as a fiddle.” __

 __Ordinarily Spock would comment on such a strange simile, but this time let it pass, not wishing to prolong his visit. Part of that was his natural aversion to sickbay and part of it was because he didn’t wish to see his captain, who he knew would also be scheduled for an examination. __

 __Back in his quarters, he began to work through the backlog of paperwork he’d been unable to deal with, noting that Kirk had made a start on it too. It was almost lunch time when a message came through to him from Sarek. T’Pau had updated the clan’s records to show her grandson’s change of status from single to married, together with a formal statement of admission of Kirk to the clan. While this was to be expected, Spock experienced a degree of alarm at the alacrity with which she had also informed StarFleet that the captain and first officer of their flagship were now bonded under Vulcan law. He thought it unlikely Kirk had put in his own notification yet. So now the news was out. __

 __It was, Spock decided later, perhaps overly optimistic to hope that StarFleet would be slow in updating their own official records, as the first person who would see the notification was the Enterprise’s communications officer. __

 __“Spock?” Uhura said, entering through the unlocked door, seven minutes after the message had arrived. She had clearly left her station on the bridge to come down to see him and a sick feeling washed over him at the inevitable confrontation. The most beautiful woman he had ever met was standing before him, the woman whose body and mind he knew intimately, yet he was no longer physically drawn to her. It was as if those years of intimacy together had been expunged, to exist now as no more than an intellectual idea. __

 __“You are on duty, Nyota.” __

 __His words stopped her in her tracks. “I couldn’t wait Spock, I… what _happened_? How can you be bonded to Kirk?” She said spat the name, almost as an epithet. __

 __“T’Pring rejected me, so in accordance with tradition, T’Pau bonded me to Jim.” __

 __“Why? For god’s sake, _why_?” He watched as tears filled her eyes. “It should have been me, not him.” __

 __“Had I foreseen the outcome, I would have taken you.” __

 __“But you should have done!” she said, her voice raised in anguish. “You knew she despised you. She didn’t love you like I do.” __

 __The use of the present tense caused Spock to inwardly wince. “Nyota, please understand, T’Pring invoked an ancient law for the first time in one thousand and thirty two years. No-one, not even T’Pau expected this.” __

 __“T’Pau was there?” she asked, incredulous. Uhura had been aware she was one of the Elders he had saved just prior to Vulcan’s destruction, but he had never revealed the nature of their connection. __

 __“She is the matriarch of my clan,” he explained calmly. __

 __It was perhaps too much for her to take in. Stepping forward she wrapped her arms around Spock and, lifting her head, kissed him. He felt nothing by the touch and gently pulled himself away from her. __

 __“No!” she cried, resisting. “Spock, sever the bond, and bond with me – he doesn’t want you, he doesn’t love you.” Tears were freely running down her face. __

 __Spock gently pushed her further away. “I cannot. After T’Pring’s challenge, to do so would bring further shame to my clan.” He knew there was a likelihood that despite that, Kirk may well choose to do so at a time in the future when it was less likely to cause a stir within StarFleet. __

 __“Alright, so stay bonded with him. It doesn’t matter – I know he doesn’t care about you.” Her words stung him, though he was careful not to let it show. “We can still carry on, like before, like you did with T’Pring.” __

 __“Nyota, that is impossible.” __

 __He watched a look of shock appear on her face. “Why, Spock? Why can’t it be like it was?” __

 __“What I had with T’Pring was more than a betrothal but less than a marriage. What I share with Jim is a full bond. It cannot be violated without the full knowledge of the partner.” __

 __“So get his permission – he won’t care.” __

 __“You misunderstand. I mean that whatever we might share, he will also experience through the bond – it is impossible to mask it. In addition, the bond causes me to be predisposed towards Jim.” __

 __She stared at him incredulously, using the backs of her hands to wipe away the tears. “He doesn’t _want_ you, Spock – this is James T. for Tomcat Kirk, galactic womanizer, we’re talking about here. Are you seriously going to remain celibate for the rest of your life?” __

 __Spock refused to have this discussion. The thought of it was painful – to speak of it with Nyota of all people, after all they had shared, was simply too much for him. “I believe you should return to the bridge.” __

 __When she had arrived, there was a look of disbelief, almost defeat in her demeanor, yet as she left, her shoulders were set. More than likely, she would pay Kirk a visit. While a part of him wished to protect his bondmate, he knew the captain was more than capable of handling any situation Uhura threw at him. __

 __He sat down at his desk and stared, unseeing at the padds that covered it. His life had been characterized by rejection. That both his betrothed and his new bondmate had added themselves to a remarkably long list in the past twenty four hours left him feeling empty. To all but StarFleet and Nyota, he was apparently worthless. While he could continue to perform his duty for the former, there was a terrible irony that while Uhura wanted him, and loved him, he was unable to return it. He had locked away his love for her prior to their arrival at the colony, and there it would forever remain. __

 __-=-=-  
 _  
_


	4. Chapter 4

Spock was already at his station on the bridge when the lift door open and Kirk exited. Ordinarily, he would look up and visually acknowledge his captain’s presence, yet illogically, he chose to remain focused on a data-stream that was coming in from StarFleet prior to their arrival, in five days, at Starbase 12. __

 __Kirk went and sat at his chair and although he was heavily shielding their link, he could sense Kirk looking at him. __

 __“Morning Mr. Spock,” Kirk said a moment later. “Status report?” __

 __Turning in his chair, he watched Kirk almost squirm as their eyes met, his own sense of awkwardness increasing. “Good morning Captain,” he said and unable to look at the bright blue eyes for too long, shifted his line of vision slightly to somewhere over his captain’s shoulder. “StarFleet sent through orders to report to Starbase 12 for inspection and possible repairs of the secondary warp core containment field. I sent the packet to your console.”

“I was busy this morning and didn’t check before I left my cabin.” __

 __Unfortunately, Spock knew exactly what had kept his captain busy. Unable to block it across their bond, he had felt Kirk’s early morning arousal and eventual release, leaving himself painfully hard. It had taken some degree of control to will his erection away. __

 __“I’ll go over it now,” Kirk continued, unaware of Spock’s train of thought. “Should I be worried about this? Scotty’s usually pretty good at fixing things.”

Spock felt himself relax, as they resumed their professional relationship as though nothing had happened. “It is a precaution only Captain,” he reassured. “The fluctuations are minor and well within safety parameters.”

“Okay, good.”  
 _  
_Spock caught Kirk glancing over to where Uhura sat apparently absorbed in her work, but he chose not to address her. _  
_  
As a naturally reserved and private person, Spock had to prevent himself from physically squirming at the number of congratulations he and Kirk received from the bridge crew as they arrived on shift. These were in addition to private missives he had already received from Admiral Pike, Ambassador Spock and his own father. __

 __Two hours later, Uhura privately forwarded him a message from StarFleet, addressed to both Kirk and Scott. While it was an open missive, he initially believed it inappropriate to read it, yet she must have had reason to pass it to him. __

 __The message contained a blueprint from StarFleet with orders to combine his and Kirk’s quarters. He quickly quashed a sense of alarm. The order originated from the office of Admiral Pike, who had also sent him a message of congratulations the day before, and countersigned by Admiral McLusky. While he could understand Pike's involvement, given he had been the admiral's protege for a number of years and outside of StarFleet they had shared a friendship, McLusky's name gave him cause for concern. He was head of external communications and media – which indicated that StarFleet were looking to gain some positive coverage from their unfortunate union. The spin was easy to envisage – two of their top officers (glamour), of the same sex and from different species (diversity), one of which was Vulcan and therefore endangered, had gotten bonded at the Vulcan colony (good publicity). StarFleet clearly wanted to be quick to show their support, which meant it was unlikely Kirk would be able to prevent the refit going ahead. __

 __When the captain returned later that day from a scheduled meeting with Scott looking downcast, his fear was confirmed. Kirk disappeared into his ready room and didn’t emerge again. It was one thing that Kirk was rejecting the bond, and quite another to be forced to share quarters with him – it meant there would be little room for physical privacy. __

 __The situation worsened when he received a message from Scott stating that that night, he and Kirk would be sleeping in one of their ambassadorial staterooms as their quarters were knocked together. __

 __Unsettled by the day’s events, Spock was quick to leave the bridge when beta shift arrived, but not before he saw Uhura walk towards Kirk’s ready-room and wondered if she was going to speak to Kirk or if she had been summoned. __

 __In his quarters, he found a pile of empty crates he was to fill, blue ones with items he would take to the stateroom, and red for those that could be temporarily stored. Two hours later, his room looked as it had when he had first boarded the ship. __

 __A trip to a private cubicle on the observation deck gave him the space to meditate and he came out of it feeling calmer and more centered. __

 __-=-=-

When he arrived at the stateroom, Kirk was already there, along with several blue crates. __

 __“I’m sorry about this Spock,” Kirk said as soon as he entered. __

 __“I am aware this was not your decision, Captain.” __

 __Spock proceeded to empty his crates, filling two drawers of a dresser and part of a wardrobe. Since they’d shared a bathroom for three years, he simply put his things in the same spaces they had always been, noting Kirk had already done the same. __

 __When he came back into the main room, Kirk was standing in the middle of it, looking slightly uncomfortable. “You take the bed, I’ll have the couch,” he said without preliminaries.

“Captain, as ranking officer, you should take the bed,” Spock pointed out. He doubted he’d get much sleep, so altruism aside, it made sense for him to take the couch.

“Spock, it’s Jim, your husband remember?” The comment took him by surprised, though he allowed no outward manifestation of it to show. “We’re equals here. And I say you take the bed.”

Jim was being illogical. “You claim we are equals, yet you are ordering me.”

Kirk’s mouth pressed into a thin line. “Okay, let’s flip a coin. Uh, do you have one?”

“Negative.” He could see this was going to result in a stalemate. Before he could talk himself out of it, he added, “The bed is large enough for us both to use it.”

He watched as Kirk looked at the bed assessingly. Designed for all manner of alien species, it was far larger than the beds enjoyed by the senior crew. “Okay. Do you want to use the bathroom first?”

“I intend to meditate prior to sleeping.” Kirk didn’t need to know that it was what he had been doing for the past two hours.

“Right.”  
 _  
_When Kirk exited the bathroom wearing only pajama bottoms, Spock worked hard not to look, to admire the lithe body that had given him so much pleasure only days before. __

 __He stayed in the living area long after Kirk had gone to bed, finally retiring in the early hours of the morning. Changing into his own night clothes, he lay as far away from Kirk as was possible. __

 __He was somewhat surprised, therefore, when he was awoken by Kirk, who had been lying half on top of him, suddenly stiffening and scrambling back across the bed. It wasn’t that Kirk had moved over to him – since he himself was lying in the middle of the large divan, it was clear they had both apparently gravitated towards one another. The brief, conscious contact had felt more than good, and Kirk’s movement away left him feeling bereft. _  
_  
“Shit, I’m sorry Spock.” _  
_  
“Apologies are unnecessary, Jim.” He knew it was important to reassure Kirk that he had no problem with it, though he was not so naïve as to believe that Kirk was equally comfortable.

“Yeah well, I’ve shared beds with Bones on occasion and I’ve never had any problem sticking to my side of the bed before.”

That was knowledge to him and he allowed his surprise to show. Kirk had sworn he had never had sex with another male.

“We’ve never been sexually involved, if that’s what you’re wondering.” At Kirk’s uncanny reading of his mind, Spock automatically strengthened the bond’s shield to ensure there was no bleedover. __

 __Kirk was no doubt wondering why they ended up sleeping in such close proximity. “It would appear the bond unconsciously drew us together. You will notice that I, too, have moved from my original position.”  
 _  
_“Yeah, well maybe I’ll just take the couch tonight.” __

 __Kirk slipped into the bathroom as Spock walked over to the console to read all the ships status and any StarFleet updates that had arrived overnight. Within minutes, he felt Kirk’s arousal, realizing his mate was masturbating in the shower. Sitting down heavily on a chair, he had no choice but to ride it out. The worst part of it was that he could not allow himself to find release as, in order to do so, it would require putting his bondmate through the same experience. Spock was about to discover that this was a regular morning habit for his mate. __

 __+ __

 __Two days later, Spock was summoned into Kirk’s ready room for a discussion on furnishings. It could have been one of the more bizarre conversations he had had, but the relationship he and Kirk had already built up before their bonding made the whole process matter-of-fact. __

 __Scott had asked if there were any special requests and between them, they decided on a table that could double as a place to eat and play chess. The walls would be decorated with his Vulcan artifacts. _  
_  
“What about your meditation stuff?” Kirk asked out of the blue. “I was reading about an _asenoi_ – there’s room for one if you’d like it.” __

 __Spock felt a sense of gratitude that Kirk had clearly thought about his needs. He had considered buying one for his own quarters, but had decided it would take up too much space. That wasn’t to be an issue in their new quarters.

“An _asenoi_ would be most beneficial for my meditation,” he agreed. An amusing thought struck him. “It is unlikely that Starbase 12 will have one in their stores.”  
 _  
_Kirk grinned at him and Spock realized it was the most relaxed he’d seen his mate since their visit to the colony. __

 __“Where do you get them from?”

“They are made by artisans at the colony on _T’Khasuzh_. It is possible to have one sent to a Starbase next time we are scheduled a visit.”

Spock left the ready-room with no better idea how difficult or easy it would be to share quarters with a mate who didn’t want him, but at least some of their awkwardness around each other appeared to be dissipating. _  
_  
-=-=-  
 _  
_The visit to Starbase 12 turned out to be disastrous for Spock. He was aware Kirk had taken some shoreleave and gone down. Two hours after his departure, he had had to cease an experiment he had been running in one of the science labs and return to their new quarters with alacrity. __

 __Spock could sense Kirk copulating with a female and nothing he did would blot out the sensations of his mate violating the bond. It brought out primal urges in him that he fought to control, not the least of which was an overwhelming desire to beam down to the base and haul Jim out of there. __

 __The violation left him feeling angry and abused, another reminder of his mate’s rejection. He could not allow himself to be affected by this and the only way he could ensure this was to retreat emotionally from Kirk and keep him at arm’s length. __

 __The first thing he did was to view their work schedules. Currently they were down to share 87% of the same shifts. By the time Spock had finished, that had altered to 22%, putting himself mostly on Beta or Gamma. __

 __By the time Kirk returned, Spock had retired for the night and had decided that even if Kirk wanted to share the bed, he would not allow it – not while he had the scent of another on him. It turned out to be a moot point, as Kirk thankfully took the couch. _  
_  
-=-=-  
 _  
_Kirk must have noticed the change, but said nothing about it. His captain, at least, could now mostly have the bed to himself. He spent more time in the labs, setting up new experiments he had considered but not started, so that while Kirk was awake after duty, he could remain removed from him. __

 __As an intellectual idea, he had been able to deal with the knowledge that Kirk rejected him as a bondmate. But for him to continue to pursue sexual gratification elsewhere, while understandable under the circumstances, was like twisting the knife already in him. He felt a deep ache in his chest at the knowledge that he was not only unwanted as a partner, but that he couldn’t even be considered useful for giving his mate physical pleasure. __

 __Three days after leaving Twelve, en route for Kri’ifala with medical supplies, it was not the captain, but Uhura, who finally said something, asking him to come to her quarters after he completed Beta shift. __

 __“Okay, what gives?” she asked as soon as the door had closed behind him. __

 __Spock considered feigning ignorance, but rejected it almost immediately, as she knew him too well and would call him on it. __

 __“There has been some difficulty. Please do not ask the circumstances, Nyota, as it is not something I wish to divulge.” __

 __Uhura looked at him incredulously. “You’ve put yourself on opposite shifts to Kirk for the rest of this month. You think that’s going to solve your problems? Have you two even tried talking it out?” __

 __He was aware she had a point, but it was about self-preservation as much as anything. “We have not spoken. I merely require a degree of distance and this was the most effective way of achieving it.” __

 __She rose from her desk and stood, hands on hips. “So what did Kirk have to say about your shift swaps? Is he okay with that?” __

 __“He has not expressed an opinion,” Spock admitted. __

 __“Great – he pisses you off—” __

 __“He did not, as you say, piss me off. You are ascribing an emotion—” __

 __“Bullshit! I spent four years with you, Spock. I know what you’re capable of feeling. He pissed you off and you reacted by changing shifts, while he’s buried his head in the goddamn sand.” __

 __Spock refused to comment, even though he knew she was correct. __

 __“So what did he do?” she asked, her eyes narrowing. “Something happened while we were at Twelve. Don’t tell me the bastard slept with some woman while we were there.” __

 __Uhura had always been remarkably perceptive. Not only that, but she could read him like a book. Despite using every ounce of his control not to react to her accurate assessment of the situation, she saw something in his demeanor which confirmed it. __

 __“Does he know how it affects you, Spock? Did you tell him?” __

 __It was a measure of how dysfunctional their relationship was that he had discussed that aspect of the bond with his ex-lover, but not with his mate. He was thankful she didn’t go off into an anti-Kirk diatribe – she hadn’t done one of those since the first few months of their mission. Perhaps she understood that no matter what he had done, Jim was still his bondmate and to be overly critical of him, even when he deserved it, would make him uncomfortable. __

 __“I have not told him,” he admitted. __

 __“Then you should – so he won’t do it again.” __

 __“I am uncertain my words would be enough to prevent him. As you know yourself, he has always had promiscuous habits.” __

 __Uhura nodded. “You’re right – telling him won’t do it. You need to _show_ him. Let him feel it for himself.” __

 __The very thought was shocking to Spock. It was one thing for his mate to violate their bond, unaware of its effects. It was quite another for him to do so deliberately. “I cannot.” __

 __Uhura walked forward and grabbing at Spock’s hand, led him to her desk where he sat automatically. She took the seat on the other side. “Yes, Spock, you can and you will. But meanwhile, you need to get closer to him again, spending time with him, playing chess – the stuff you used to do before.” __

 __While Kirk slept, Spock retreated to the labs once again. How hard must it be for Uhura to help him in this way, he wondered. What an extraordinary person she was to be so selfless. He had his bond with Kirk, for good or ill, and had placed his love for her away deep inside him, while Uhura continued to feel all she had done before the onset of his _Pon Farr_. For her, nothing had changed, save his circumstances. Why was it that the one person who truly loved him, he could not have, while Kirk made a mockery of their bond? __

 __He now no longer even had the same level of friendship with Kirk that they had shared for several years. It was as if they had reverted back to that time immediately after the start of their mission, when they were both suspicious and wary around one another. His sense of isolation, he realized, was profound. __

 __-=-=- _  
_  



	5. Chapter 5

Kri’ifala was one of the few planets which enjoyed a diversity of visitors, including Klingons and Romulans, without having descended into lawlessness as other ‘open’ planets had. The reason was the planetary governing body’s tight laws, their highly visible police-force and an overabundance of surveillance cameras. __

 __In order to ensure that none of his crew fell foul of the law while taking shoreleave, Kirk insisted everyone had to go in pairs. Since it would look odd for them not to go together, given their marital status, they were scheduled on the first rotation. __

 __“I would prefer to go with you,” Spock admitted to Uhura in her quarters shortly before his scheduled beam-down. Given their different shift patterns, they had spent quite a lot of time together since their departure from Starbase 12, Spock recognizing the degree of contact was a bid to assuage his loneliness. It was becoming easier for them both, as they shifted their relationship from lovers to friends with Uhura carefully avoiding any physical contact. __

 __“It would look odd,” she pointed out, “and besides, this is your chance to let Kirk find out for himself how it feels when you screw with the bond.” __

 __“It is not his screwing with the bond that is the issue,” Spock said dryly, causing Uhura to laugh. __

 __“Well, no, you have a point,” she grinned. “I just hope you find someone suitable and rub his nose in it.” __

 __Spock returned from Uhura’s cabin to find Kirk at the desk in their quarters. _  
_  
“I’d prefer to go somewhere a little off the beaten track,” Kirk said as soon as the doors closed behind Spock. He picked up enough through the bond to know that Kirk intended to pick someone up and clearly didn’t want any of the crew to witness it. __

 __“That would be my preference also.”  
 _  
_Shortly after beam-down they were directed towards a more up-market part of the city. Given the exorbitant prices charged by the establishments in this locale, Spock was certain they would not meet any other Enterprise crew. __

 __“Are you looking for something in particular, Captain?” Spock asked at length, as Kirk peered into and rejected each bar in turn.

“Spock, we’re off duty, we’re in civvies and ideally, we shouldn’t be drawing attention to ourselves.”  
 _  
_Spock had stopped calling him by his given name after their visit to the Starbase and to keep the emotional distance, had taken to referring to him as captain, even in his own thoughts. “Jim,” he corrected himself reluctantly.

“Just a place that looks lively.”  
 _  
_There must have been further criteria as several of the bars Kirk had rejected had been relatively full. “You must realize that the last point you made, regarding drawing attention to ourselves is impossible, especially when we are together. Since the Battle of Vulcan and the subsequent media coverage, our images continue to be used whenever StarFleet is in the news.”  
 _  
_Kirk, he knew, was not only fully aware of that, but had been mercenary enough to use it to his advantage in the past on visits to starbases and planets, in order to secure a female for the night. _  
_  
“Yeah, well, maybe in this backwater it might be different. I mean we really are the back of beyond here on this planet.”

It was not long after, that Kirk finally found a bar to his liking and they entered. _  
_  
“Drink, Spock?” __

 __While reading the menu, he watched Kirk’s eyes rove over two women standing at the bar.

“Apple tea.”.  
 _  
_They sat at a small table off to one side and Spock watched with growing discomfort as Kirk took a walk around the room with his eyes. _  
_  
“It is your intention to find a sexual partner for the evening.” Spock had meant to ask a question, but it had come out as a statement.

“If I meet someone suitable.” Spock felt an inward twang of pain. “You?” Kirk asked, unexpectedly.

Up until then he had been dubious about Uhura’s plan, but now he was here, watching his mate seek someone other than him to warm his bed, he knew with absolute certainty that if he had the opportunity, he would go through with it. “Likewise, if I meet someone suitable.” __

 __“And Uhura’s okay with—” Kirk began to ask, but was interrupted by someone approaching their table.

“Vulcan?” came a voice to Spock’s side. Kirk was staring up and Spock followed his line of sight to see a male Vulcanoid standing beside their table, his brilliant blue eyes trained on Spock.

“I am,” Spock answered, glancing at his clothes to ascertain his origin. “You are Rihannsu?”

“From the colony on Remus.” It was close enough. The Reman then surprised him by adding, “I grieve for your people, Vulcan. Much of our joint history was destroyed by the actions of a mad man.” __

 __Spock acknowledged the comment with a nod and was further surprised when the Reman asked, “May I join you? I am Logoralan.”  
 _  
_A glance at Kirk confirmed he had no objection and indicated Logoralan should take a seat. “I am Spock.”

“I’m Jim,” Kirk said with a smile.

“Spock of Vulcan? Son of Sarek?” Logoralan asked with a slightly awed tone to his voice. To his left, he saw Kirk tense and sensed a wariness through their bond. For the purposes of ‘the plan’ he had lowered the shielding to a minimal level.

“I am,” Spock confirmed. “How do you come to know of my family?”

Logoralan smiled, the gesture reaching his blue eyes in a most pleasing manner. It transpired that news of his father’s work had even reached the Romulan empire. Spock found himself warming to the Reman, as their discussion turned to the future of the Vulcan people and their new colony. Kirk, Spock noticed, had zoned out of the discussion and his assessing gaze danced around the bar, which had become far less crowded after one noisy group had moved on. _  
_  
“May I speak with you privately, Spock?” Logoralan asked him after ascertaining his shoreleave was to be brief.  
 _  
_The two men moved to the bar, and Spock was aware that Kirk was tracking their every move. __

 __“Spock since time is of the essence, I will be brief and to the point. Are you here with Jim?” __

 __He felt his chest tighten at the question and found his answer wasn’t entirely a lie. “I am not.” __

 __Logoralan nodded and smiled. “Excellent. I find myself attracted to you and, if you are agreeable, I wish for us to give each other sexual pleasure. This bar has rooms above that we may rent.” __

 __It was all so perfunctory and Spock was surprised to find himself agreeing, as he had never been promiscuous. It also struck him that he was about to have sex with a male and wondered if that was a product of his bond. He couldn’t deny that Logoralan was beautiful and to share such intimacy with him would be no hardship. All he needed to do was to inform Kirk. While the rational voice in him told him this was a logical step to take in order to educate his bondmate, the more human part of him was mortified at the prospect. __

 __Leaving the Reman at the bar, Spock strode over to where Kirk had been watching them closely, acting far more confident than he felt. “Jim, Logoralan and I are taking a room above this bar for two hours. Since we cannot be separated, it will necessarily require you to remain in this establishment. Will you permit it?”

While Kirk clearly attempted to hide his surprise, it rang out clearly through their bond. “Sure. Maybe I’ll get lucky too.”  
 _  
_While Spock talked to Kirk, Logoralan secured a room and feeling Kirk’s eyes on his back, Spock and the Reman followed the barman up a set of stairs behind the bar and into a spacious room, dominated by a large bed. __

 __The door had barely closed when Logoralan pulled him into a hard kiss which he enthusiastically reciprocated. Undressing, they rapidly fell onto the bed, their bodies and legs tangling together. Becoming aroused was easier than he’d imagined, as his body was expertly played like the beloved instrument of a virtuoso musician.  
 _  
_It was with some relief that Logoralan made it clear he wished to be taken by Spock. Though it was likely an illusion, he felt it was less intimate than if the Reman had taken him. __

 __“As a Reman,” Logoralan said, as they lay in each other’s arms, “I am shunned by the Romulan crew. Physical contact, such as this, is rare for me.” __

 __“Why do you serve the empire?” Spock was genuinely puzzled, since it was clear from what Logoralan had said while in the bar, that he despised it. __

 __“My planet and its people were enslaved by the Romulans when my great-grandfather was a child. My choice is to live a life of poverty and submission under their harsh rule, or to travel the stars. I am a scientist and, for all their hatred of me, my skills at least are valued and I am able to behold sights and visit distant stars in a way that my fellow people cannot even dream of.” __

 __Spock certainly understood that sentiment. It was what had driven him to be the first Vulcan to apply to StarFleet. The bigoted attitude of the VSA selection committee had been the final push, and he had never looked back. __

 __“As a fellow scientist, I comprehend your motivation to explore and seek out new forms of life.” __

 __Logoralan smiled and ran his finger down Spock’s cheek and across his lips. “You are one lifeform I am pleased to have discovered. You are most attractive.” __

 __While he appreciated the compliment, it also pained him that his own mate did not thing so. He changed the subject. “I sense that you do not share the violent tendencies of the Romulans whom you serve – is that a cause of inner conflict for you?” __

 __“It is, but I have grown used to turning a blind eye. It is the price I pay for the freedom I have.” With those words, the Reman leaned forward and kissed Spock deeply. __

 __The second round of sex was as good as the first time, though Spock remained emotionally distant from it, while having to deliberately blot out the anguish he was feeling from Kirk. __

 __After dressing, Logoralan kissed him one more time and then left by a side exit. Centering himself, Spock joined Kirk back in the bar to find his mate, still seated at the table where he’d left him, his face thunderous. _  
_  
“Let’s get back to the ship – I’ve had enough of this place.”

It was only when the door to their quarters had slid shut, that Kirk finally let go of his temper. __

 __“What the fuck was that about?”

Spock feigned ignorance. “Please be more specific, Jim.”

“Don’t be coy with me. You know goddamn well what I’m talking about. I felt everything you did with that Romulan.”

“Logoralan is Reman.” Spock corrected. It was an important distinction as there was no love lost between the two Vulcanoid peoples. “As for what you felt,” Spock continued, “it is the nature of the bond. I can control up to a point, but during sexual relations it is necessarily open.”

“Between bondmates, I get that,” Kirk said glibly. “But you weren’t with your bondmate.”

Kirk had given him the perfect opening. “Neither were you on Starbase 12,” he said quietly.

He watched the color drain from Kirk’s face. “You mean, you felt—”

“Affirmative.” Now was a good time for him to push the point home. “Every time you have sexual release.”

Spock found it interesting watching Kirk blush, the color creeping up his neck and face. “Even when I jerk off?” __

 __Spock nodded knowing, since it was at last a daily occurrence, though his mate sometimes used it as a method to help him sleep. Kirk’s face turned pinker. “Oh god, that’s almost as embarrassing as getting caught by your mom.” __

 __Spock could understand Kirk feeling embarrassed over the incident on Twelve, but not for his masturbating. It was a testament to how distant they were that his mate felt so uncomfortable knowing about what such a normal need, by Human standards.

“Sexual release is a natural part of the bond, Jim. What shame is there in it?”

“We don’t have that kind of relationship,” Kirk pointed out, and having his mate agree with what he already knew, made it feel more real, the gap between them even greater. He found himself carefully controlling his reaction to the comment. “Jerking off is supposed to be a private and solitary exercise to relieve stress or sexual tension. It’s not something I’d choose to do in front of you. Now, knowing you can feel what I feel, it’s not something I’m going to be comfortable acting on.” __

 __There was a note of desperation in Kirk’s voice, as he realized not only could he not have sex without Spock feeling everything of the encounter, he couldn’t even comfortably find release on his own. Given his frequency so far, that was going to be a considerable challenge and the possible side-effects, in terms of build up of tension, could eventually have adverse effects on his ability to command. __

 __This outcome had never been Spock’s intention. It was one thing wishing to prevent Kirk from straying outside their bond; it was quite another creating an environment where any form of sexual relief would be shunned. __

 __“You are being illogical. Why are you embarrassed about masturbation after what you and I shared, which was far more intimate?” he asked, reasonably. Surely they were entirely different levels of intimacy.

“It’s not something I can rationalize,” Kirk said, avoiding eye contact, still looking uncomfortable and embarrassed.

Spock had an idea, though he had no idea how Kirk would take to it. “Allow me to assist you, Jim.”

“What?” With wide eyes and an open mouth, the look of disbelief was clear. __

 __“I believe you are in need of release. You may go into the bathroom and relieve yourself alone, knowing I will be able to sense it. Or you can increase the pleasure by having me perform the act for you. I will do nothing else but this.”

Spock watched with interest as Kirk fought an internal battle, trying to decide if he was willing to take him up on his offer. He was aware, after all he’d experienced through their bond, that he was feeling sexually frustrated and now his mate was aware that one way or another, Spock was going to experience his orgasm with him. Logically, it would make sense for Spock to help him achieve it, as such things were always more intense in the hands of another. _  
_  
Apparently unable to come to a decision, Spock made a suggestion. “Come, stand with your back to me, Jim.”

Kirk paused for a moment and then did as asked, and Spock was careful to suppress any manifestation of his sense of triumph either physically or through the bond. Spock moved until Kirk’s back was pressed against him and then, unfastening his pants, slid his hand inside. Taking a firm grasp of his mate’s cock, he heard a quiet gasp of approval. __

 __Spock opened up the bond so that he would be able to get enough feedback from Kirk to do a good job. Beginning slowly, he used long, slow movements and felt Kirk wrap his fist around his hand, allowing him to set the pace. Within two minutes, he could sense Kirk’s imminent climax as the Human’s hips began to jerk erratically. Kirk suddenly stiffened, holding his breath and then with a loud gasp, Spock felt his mate’s cock jerk several times as warm semen spilled over their joined hands. __

 __As he fought to get his breathing under control, Kirk’s head tipped back against Spock’s shoulder, and he felt a sense of utter peace and contentment that he had brought his bondmate pleasure. _  
_  
“Thanks Spock,” Kirk said finally, not looking at Spock as he pulled away from his embrace and entered the bathroom. He followed him in, standing at the basin to wash his hands. Just before he plunged them into the running water, he sucked on a finger, tasting the semen and was reminded of their very first time together. _  
_  
Spock got into bed and a few minutes later. When Kirk came out of the shower and headed into the other room to settle down on the couch, he tried not to feel disappointed. They had, after all, taken a step forward. He would win his mate over by increments. _  
_  
-=-=-  
 _  
_While he would never admit it to anyone, Spock found the devastation wrought by the plague on Xavasillia, distressing. He and McCoy had beamed down in order to gain samples of the plague bacillus and to collect lab samples that the local scientists had been working on in order to effect a cure. Their heavy environmental suits would protect them, but they were cumbersome and made simple manual tasks difficult to carry out. __

 __In the streets outside the laboratories, the dead were laid out for collection and burned in deep pits in a bid to try to halt the spread of infection. Smoke from the pyres wafted through the city on the light breeze, covering everything in a fine layer of ash. __

 __Those left alive walked around with gaunt faces and haunted eyes, having seen and experienced things no living being should. The plague had been so widespread that no-one had escaped its grip, with entire families being wiped out. The scientists with whom he and the doctor worked, had not slept or eaten in days, working every hour they could to discover a cure, but they lacked the knowledge and experience of McCoy. Spock was confident the doctor would do what the Xavasillian scientists had been unable. __

 __The entire time Spock spent on the planet surface, he could feel his bondmate’s worry for his safety, and it warmed him to know how much Kirk apparently cared, even if he didn’t show it in everyday actions. __

 __With samples intact, they beamed directly into the sickbays decontam unit where they were forced to remain for four hours until all evidence of the bacillus had been eradicated and they could remove their unwieldy suits. __

 __They had barely arrived when Kirk appeared on the other side of the window. __

 __“Hey guys – are you okay?” The concern in the captain’s voice was clear and Spock could sense he was worried for them both – his two closest friends on the ship. __

 __“I will be when I can get this fucking suit off,” McCoy said pithily, “and we can get to work on the cure.” __

 __Kirk grinned at the doctor’s irascible tone. “How long will it take, do you think?” __

 __“Not long, if my hunch is right. But that’s just the start of it. Getting a vaccine replicated and dispersed, given the complete breakdown in infrastructure, is going to be fun.” __

 __Had the situation not been so dire, Spock would have picked up on McCoy’s choice of language and no doubt begun an argument about his inappropriate phraseology. However, he had sensed how much the CMO had been affected by what he’d seen and so chose to ignore it. __

 __“I concur – distribution will prove most challenging. However, I believe when we have established a viable antidote and share it with all functioning laboratories, and also utilize the shuttles and crew to distribute the vaccine to more isolated communities, I estimate the plague will be under control within forty eight hours. __

 __Spock’s timeframe proved accurate, and once they had the cure, he spent most of that time on the surface, visiting laboratories and assisting with the synthesizing of the vaccine. Choosing to go without sleep, Spock beamed back to the ship each day when he knew Kirk was on duty, and meditated for two hours in their quarters, before returning. The pressure on the Enterprise crew relented upon the arrival of the Constellation and Defiant, trebling the number of volunteers able to assist. __

 __It was an exhausted crew who bade Xavasillia farewell six days after their arrival, their orders to head to Starbase 34. Kirk, Spock knew, had had little sleep in nearly a week and it was sheer willpower which was holding him up. So, no sooner had the ship broken orbit, than Spock went and stood beside Kirk, and ordered him to rest. It was testament to how Kirk was feeling, that he didn’t challenge his first officer’s presumption. __

 __In their quarters, Spock ran a hot bath – the first time the tub had been used – aware the relaxing properties of the water, with the help of certain essential oils, would help Kirk unwind. __

 __Kirk walked into the bathroom just as he was placing a single towel on a stand next to the bath. __

 __Kirk looked at him and smiled. “What about you – are you going to join me? I bet the healing power of water would do you good too and the tub was designed for two.”

Given Kirk’s continued distance up to this point, Spock was unable to hide his surprise and watched Kirk grin in response. The thought that Kirk wished to share the bath caused a feeling of warmth in the pit of his belly. “If you wish it.”  
 _  
_They undressed in the bedroom, Spock carefully averting his gaze from the desirable body close to him. It was the first time they had been naked with each other since his _Pon Farr_ , and Kirk’s invitation and his sudden lack of inhibition, gave Spock hope that his mate was becoming more enamored with him. __

 __The design of the tub allowed them to lie end to end and once submerged, Spock was once again surprised when he felt Kirk’s fingers reach for his, curling loosely around his hand, the gesture accompanied by a deep sigh of satisfaction. __

 __Through the intimate contact, Spock could sense Kirk’s surface emotions, which were a mix of tiredness and contentment. It was as though the burden of command had been temporarily lifted from his captain, and within minutes, as Spock gently stroked his fingers over his mate’s, Spock noted with satisfaction that Kirk drifted to sleep. __

 __Spock spent the time enjoying the view. Kirk’s face was relaxed in sleep, his angular face giving him a classical beauty. He stared at the Human’s lips, wondering what it would be like to touch them with his own, to slide his tongue along them, to taste his mouth. At least he knew the taste of Kirk’s skin, which had turned a light pinkish color in the hot water, the sparse body hair gently wafting in the currents created by their breathing and other slight movements. __

 __He waited half an hour before rousing Kirk, his desert-bred skin becoming wrinkled as it expanded unevenly with the absorption of water. __

 __Wrapping themselves in large towels, they dried off. By the time Spock entered the bedroom, Kirk was already sporting a pair of briefs and was disposing of his uniform into the laundry chute. Spock located a clean pair of pajama bottoms – an item of clothing he had rarely worn until his bonding, choosing to wear them, not out of modesty, but to help Kirk feel more comfortable around him in their shared quarters. __

 __He saw Kirk look at the bed and feel a sense of regret as he turned towards the door and the couch that had been his bed for over two months. _  
_  
“Night Spock,” he said, sounding uncharacteristically subdued.  
 _  
_He knew how much Kirk needed adequate rest and it was illogical that the captain sleep on the couch under such circumstances. He decided to speak up, knowing his suggestion would likely be dismissed. “Jim. I will take the couch. You need adequate rest and this bed is more comfortable.”  
 _  
_Kirk paused in the doorway. “I’m the one who’s trying to keep his distance – it’s not fair that you should have to get the raw end of the deal because of a decision I made.” __

 __Spock felt a wave of guilt wash over him, that he had inadvertently trapped Kirk with the bond and that he was now suffering for it. Ruthlessly suppressing it, he decided to push his mate a little further. __

 __“We could both sleep in the bed,” he pointed out. “Would it be such a dent to your dignity were you to find yourself sleeping beside me tomorrow morning?”  
 _  
_He had meant the words to be matter of fact, but sensed Kirk’s remorse and then acceptance. Without a word, the captain nodded, returned to the bed and got in, falling asleep almost instantaneously. __

 __+ __

 __Spock awoke, his cabin still pitch black – his time sense told him it was the early hours of the morning – to find Kirk asleep and curled around him, his head resting on his chest. Unable to resist, he lifted his arms to hold his mate closer. In his sleep, Kirk shifted slightly in response, and that’s when Spock became aware of an erection pressed against his thigh. __

 __He was aware that since the night after their return from Kri’ifala, Kirk had refrained from masturbation. While it was illogical, he understood his mate feeling his privacy was being violated. However, given the frequency with which Kirk had previously masturbated, this abstention was becoming an increasing cause for concern. __

 __He knew not only when Kirk woke up, but the exact moment his mate realized his insistent hard-on was in evidence, a wash of embarrassment flowing over him. If Kirk was unwilling to take care of the problem, then Spock intended to offer. __

 __In the dark, he slowly stroked the length of Kirk’s arm before moving fingers over the taut abdomen and into his briefs. He sensed the Human’s surprise, waking him up more fully. _  
_  
“What are you doing?” Kirk asked, his voice still husky from sleep. _  
_  
To help relax him, Spock decided to use humor. “I am assisting you with a problem. I believe I have the skills necessary to make it go away.”

“Really? I—” __

 __Whatever Kirk had been about to say was aborted, as Spock wrapped his hot fist around the hard cock and gently squeezed, eliciting a quiet, but appreciative gasp. Touching Kirk so intimately brought about the inevitable reaction of his own physiology, as his own cock began to harden in response. __

 __He felt Kirk’s hand move to cover his own, his wrist brushing Spock’s cloth-covered erection in the process. After a few seconds, Kirk moved his hand away, sliding it into Spock’s pajamas and for the first time since his _Pon Farr_ , touched him intimately, taking him firmly into his hand and mirroring Spock’s movements. Spock was unable to hold back a contented sigh at the welcome contact. __

 __Kirk’s arm was awkwardly positioned, but with a few deft maneuvers on both their parts, their bodies aligned perfectly as they ended up face to face. Lust poured across the link from Kirk as Spock allowed himself to vocally react to the welcome ministrations. He could clearly feel Kirk’s pleasure, and it was only a matter of minutes before he felt his mate’s body tense, the rhythm of his hips stuttering, before orgasm washed over him. The sensation was so intense that it drove Spock almost simultaneously over the edge. With their foreheads pressed together as they fought to regain their breath, it took considerable control not to lean forward and capture Kirk’s mouth in a fiery kiss. He consoled himself with the fact that Kirk had yet to let go of his softening cock. _  
_  
“Morning Spock,” Kirk said, finally. __

 __Spock could hear the smile in his voice. “Good day, Jim. I trust you slept well.”

Kirk ordered the lights up to a low level and gave his cock a squeeze before finally letting it go. “I did. Best night’s sleep in a while,” he smiled. __

 __In the dim light, Kirk’s blue eyes twinkled at him and Spock felt his breath catch in his chest at the sight. The knowledge that his mate had benefitted from sharing the bed and being close to him, gratified him. __

 __“For me, also,” he replied, carefully keeping his voice neutral.

“That’s not hard – it’s the first night’s sleep you’ve had in a while.” __

 __While that was true, he knew he had also profited from his bondmate’s proximity, the bodily contact causing the bond to thrum between them, revitalizing it. __

 __Kirk glanced at the chrono which indicted they had a little over an hour before Alpha shift was due to begin. “I guess we ought to get up.” __

 __Spock sensed a degree of reluctance at the suggestion and was warmed by it as he watched Kirk get out of bed, his lithe body moving fluidly. As he didn’t bother to close the door, from where Spock lay on the bed, he saw Kirk lick his fingers and smile, presumably enjoying the taste of Vulcan semen. __

 __As Kirk moved out of sight towards the head, Spock shifted to lie on his back and had to restrain his own smile at the tell-tale action. The situation between them had most definitely improved. _  
_  
-=-=-  
 _  
_


	6. Chapter 6

That night, without any suggestion from Spock, Kirk eschewed the couch in favor of the bed, for which he felt inordinately gratified. Once again, his mate fell asleep lying close to the edge, but they woke up wrapped around each other. Kirk was less than subtle as he rubbed his morning erection against Spock’s thigh until he took the hint and slid his hand into Kirk’s underwear, sensing both amusement and lust from his mate. The favor was quickly reciprocated to their mutual satisfaction. __

 __On the third night, Kirk got into bed naked, and following his lead, so did Spock, though they still followed the ritual of falling asleep on opposite sides of the bed. The following morning, Kirk ordered the lights up to a dim glow before they began their now daily routine of pleasuring each other. Lying face to face, Kirk pushed the blankets off them and watched attentively as Spock took him in hand. The blue gaze on him was intense and unwavering, Kirk’s focus flicking between their hands working hard and fast in mutual masturbation, and Spock’s face as he allowed his enjoyment to show and small vocal sounds of appreciation to escape his lips. His overt reactions to Kirk’s touch appeared to not only affect his mate, but to hasten his orgasm. __

 __As he drew close, Kirk began to whisper an account of his observations, as well as encouragement, that Spock found highly arousing. “No-one’s ever jacked me off as perfectly as you do; your hand, it’s so fucking hot; yes, I love fucking your fist; I’m getting close; oh god oh god; I’m going to come all over you…” __

 __Spock didn’t think it was possible, but Kirk’s gaze intensified as he stared into his eyes. “I believe,” Spock said, his voice husky with arousal, “that I may come before you do.” A moment later he reached orgasm with something close to a growl and, through the bond, he sensed this push Kirk over the edge. __

 __+ __

 __During the morning shift, McCoy had come up the bridge and the two agreed to meet for dinner. Over lunch, Uhura invited Spock to her cabin for the evening, to which he readily agreed. Not since before their visit to Xavasillia had they spent any time together. In fact, he had never shared the outcome of the fateful visit to Kri’ifala. __

 __They ate in companionable silence, though Spock recognized Uhura was curious. “I think things have improved between you and Kirk,” she said finally, as an opening gambit. __

 __“Indeed. You will likely be pleased to know that your plan was, to some degree, successful.” __

 __Uhura tilted her head to one side. “To some degree…?” __

 __Even though he and Uhura had shared great intimacy, Spock’s natural sense of privacy would not allow him to go into anything like the detail he knew Uhura would appreciate, though he knew she would understand that reluctance and not question it. __

 __“The situation between us has improved and I am confident it will continue to do so, given sufficient time.” __

 __Uhura opened her mouth, as though about to say something, then apparently thought better of it. “Good,” she said finally. “I hate it when he’s hurting you.” __

 __-=-=-

On the first few days of their journey to Starbase 34, Kirk had ordered no drills or project work to be undertaken unless urgent, to give his crew a rest from their harrowing week at Xavasillia. After the brief respite and two days away from their next destination, he and Kirk had scheduled in some drills, the first of which was due to begin at 06:00, two hours before Gamma shift ended, and most of Alpha shift, and the early birds on Beta, would be in bed. __

 __Spock was already awake, contentedly running his fingers up and down the smooth contours of his mate’s back when the computer informed them it was 05:00 and Kirk lifted his head, groggily. _  
_  
“Have we got time—?”

Based on how long their sessions took, he responded, “Not and change the bed-linen following our activities, if you wish to partake of breakfast.”  
 _  
_They had been diligent about changing the sheets daily, not just so they would have a fresh bed in the evening, but neither wished their assigned yeoman to discover any signs of their sexual activities. __

 __Spock could easily see Kirk’s disappointment at having to give up one of his two favorite morning activities, and sensed he was torn as to which one to choose. His mate might sometimes skip lunch, but he always ate breakfast, ‘to set himself up for the day’, he’d once explained. __

 __It was time for some creative problem-solving, although what he had in mind he knew to be a risky proposal since their sex-life was still so new. _  
_  
“Jim, I have a suggestion.”

“Yeah?” Kirk perked up.

He decided to show, rather than tell, sliding down Kirk’s torso and, without preamble, held Kirk’s hips down, taking his erection into his mouth. A wash of intense pleasure flooded the link and Spock focused on the feedback he was getting to maximize the pleasure he could give his mate. _  
_  
“Oh fuck,” Kirk gasped in response. “Stop a minute,” he added. “Swing yourself around so I can reach you too.” __

 __Spock had not expected such an offer and just the thought of what his mate was about to do to him intensified his arousal. He took Kirk’s cock enthusiastically back in, but when he felt a tongue swipe across the head before it was sucked into the cool, moist mouth, he found himself seemingly unable to do anything but focus on the sensations. __

 __He was aware this was Kirk’s first time at fellatio, sensing some apprehension from his mate, although it quickly dissipated, to be replaced by an unexpected degree of enthusiasm. Presumably, he thought, the actual act was less daunting than the thought of it. He felt Kirk’s tongue explore around the highly sensitized head, dipping into the slit, and when his mate began to suck, it took all his control not to buck off the bed in reaction. __

 __It took an attempt by Kirk to flick his hips, still held down by Spock, to remind him that the position they were now in was to allow for reciprocation, so logically he should be doing his part. Spock applied some of his attention back to his task, using the bond to ensure his actions would elicit the maximum sensations, while the rest of his attention went on what Kirk was doing to him. __

 __Spock had been prepared to pull out before he came but as he shifted his hips, he felt Kirk tighten on them, holding him in place and sending a clear signal that he fully intended to go all the way. They came almost simultaneously and the shuddering release was by far the most intense Spock had experienced since the end of his _Pon Farr_. _  
_  
“Fuck,” Kirk said, his breath gusting across Spock’s softening cock as he lay with his head resting on Spock’s thigh.

Spock felt a degree of amusement at the pronouncement as he’d been thinking the same thing. “My sentiment precisely,” he said, divulging a fact to his bondmate that he’d never before shared with anyone.

Kirk laughed. “Do you really think words like that in your head?”

“On occasion,” Spock admitted. “However it would, in most cases, be undignified to repeat it aloud.”

Kirk sat up and twisted himself so he was lying face to face with Spock. Not only could he sense Kirk’s amusement at his admission, his mate was grinning and his bright blue eyes were sparkling mischievously. “In most cases? When have you ever done it?”

“I have not, as yet. However,” his lips twitched into a small smile, “in certain circumstances, I believe I could be persuaded.”

“Like when?” he asked, his hand reaching out to abstractly play with the hair on Spock’s chest. __

 __They were flirting, he realized.  
 _  
_“I believe many Humans derive additional excitement during sexual intercourse when their partner provides a litany of colorful language to accompany their actions.” Many Humans, and at least one Vulcan, he reflected, acknowledging the effect on him of his mate’s commentary the previous morning.

“Talking dirty,” Kirk translated.

“I believe that is what I said,” Spock confirmed. Even without the bond, he could see the wheels in motion as his mate took in this notion and its potential.

Kirk levered himself up onto his elbow. “You’d talk dirty to me?” __

 __Their conversation was sparking both amusement and arousal in Kirk. This was a step beyond where they had been until now, where his mate derived sexual pleasure from direct physical stimulation. Here, he was gaining it simply from an idea of something they could later explore together.

“If it provided you with satisfaction, I would. You are my bondmate, Jim. I am not overly concerned with a loss of dignity with you, given what we have already shared. If it enhanced your experience, uttering words that are generally considered to be vulgar would not be a great hardship.”

Spock knew the instant the balance for Kirk switched from arousal to glee. __

 __“Go on, say it now,” he urged.

“Now you are being childish,” Spock accused, though in truth he had every intention of indulging his mate. “You merely wish to hear me say such a word for amusement, not for pleasure.”

“I know, but humor me. Please?”

It took a certain degree of control for Spock not to show any evidence on his face of just how entertaining he was actually finding this conversation. Instead, he sternly raised an eyebrow. “Fuck.”

Kirk’s laughter in response to the quietly spoken epithet was infectious and with his lips twitching he turned onto his back in an attempt to distance himself from his mate and avoid an unseemly display. “You are incorrigible,” he said.

“But you love me,” was Kirk’s unexpected response. __

 __Spock knew the words had been spoken in jest, but nevertheless, they hit him hard. He was uncertain when Kirk had ceased to be just a friend for him and had become something more. Their bond didn’t have the ability to change his inner emotional responses – this was something that had apparently evolved naturally. __

 __“Yes,” Spock quietly admitted to a surprised Kirk. “Yes I do.”

-=-=-

Throughout the battle-stations drill, Spock had sensed Kirk being torn between focusing on the job and their early morning conversation. Kirk’s response, after a moment of stillness, had been to look at the chrono, slap Spock on the top of his arm and, with a grin, tell him he was racing him to the shower. They had ended up sharing it, Kirk pulling him in, claiming it would save them time. __

 __It was clear that Kirk had overcome his initial physical inhibitions around him, no longer viewing him as simply his first officer and one of his crew. He knew Kirk to be a pragmatist, and was clearly beginning to see the convenient benefits of their forced union. __

 __Even so, there was still some way to go and Spock was content to allow Kirk to set the pace. Only when his mate was willing to allow full physical intimacy, including intercourse and kissing, would he believe Kirk would be ready for the mental intimacy of a meld. __

 __At Starbase 34, his _asenoi_ was transported aboard and installed in their quarters. While Kirk and McCoy spent the afternoon and evening dining and drinking on the Starbase, Spock elected to stay on board and make use of his new meditation aid. __

 __For the first time in months he attained the deepest level, a place where no thought existed, simply the experience of being at one with himself and the universe. Here, he found utter peace and harmony, gaining _tepulau_ – the infusion of universal energy, similar to the Human concept of _rei-chi_. He had no way of knowing that this simple exercise would, a few days later, save his life. __

 __-=-=-

When the Federation had awarded the six thousand people of a religious sect, known as The Dara, their own planet to colonize, they had promised they would be supported, by receiving regular supplies and annual medical checks. Lying close to the Neutral Zone, it was on the ‘at risk’ register that StarFleet confidentially kept. __

 __It was the turn of the Enterprise to pay them a visit and McCoy’s schedule, utilizing the ship’s state-of-the-art technology, indicated they’d require a week to get through everyone. Spock spent the first day gathering data about a particular native flora that grew in abundance to the north of the colony, as he wished to transport down daily for the remainder of the week with small groups from his science department, to conduct training in how to carry out field experiments. Kirk would have to contact the colony’s leader, Anton D’Aragescu, for permission. __

 __That night they had the conversation Spock had been waiting for Kirk to broach since his admission of love. He decided that Jim must have felt they’d reached a level of intimacy that would allow him to ask personal questions regarding his relationship with Uhura. __

 __They had only just gotten into bed when, without preamble, Kirk said, “In the few months since we’ve bonded, you’ve never talked about Uhura.” __

 __Spock recognized the statement as a form of open question, but was unsure how to answer it. “What would you have me say?”  
 _  
_“She was your lover for four years, Spock,” responded Kirk. “I don’t believe you can just switch those feelings off, even if you are bonded to someone else.” __

 __So after the declaration, Kirk had obviously been wondering if he was still in love with Nyota. It was a good question. Before the ceremony, he had taken his deep and abiding love for her and put it in a place within himself he knew T’Pring would never be able to reach. In closing and locking the door on it, he had experienced a noticeable difference when in Nyota’s presence, as though what he had felt, first hand, he now knew only as an intellectual idea, observable but intangible, having the effect of separating himself from her, like a glass wall had been placed between them.

He wanted to be absolutely open with his bondmate. “I was in love with Nyota at the time of our bonding.”

“And now?” Kirk prodded. _  
_  
“I still love her,” Spock answered truthfully. He didn’t believe he could ever stop loving Nyota, but the quality of that love had been redefined, and shifted to that shared between friends. “But I am no longer _in love_ with her.”  
 _  
_Spock found himself being scrutinized as Kirk digested that information. _  
_  
“I can’t imagine how hard it must have been for you,” he said after some thought. “For both of you,” he added.  
 _  
_Spock could sense Kirk had another question, but appeared reluctant to ask. He wondered what it might be. _  
_  
Kirk gently reached out and splayed his hand against his bare chest. “I’m so sorry all this happened, Spock. I’m sorry you lost her.” __

 __The touch intensified the connection, and Spock could sense a degree of insecurity in Kirk, as though he saw himself as second best, that he could never live up to what he believed his Vulcan mate had shared with Uhura. Even if he had the words to reassure – which he didn’t, as he far from being an expert on the subject of emotions and emotional attachments – he knew that they wouldn’t be enough to persuade Kirk that he was proud to have him as his bondmate, to share the ancient _S’Kanderai_ warrior bond with him. Persuasion came far better, by deed.  
 _  
_Kirk’s hand slid down Spock’s chest and took hold of his flaccid cock, the touch igniting him. A minute later, they had assumed their usual mutual oral position and worked on each other with greater exigency. To take it a step further, Spock licked his finger and then, sucking diligently on his mate’s cock, pressed against the tight pucker that hadn’t been breached since his _Pon Farr_ and gently pushed it into Kirk. He had hardly begun to massage the small nodule of the prostate when Kirk’s orgasm hit explosively, sending five sharp spurts across his tongue, sending him over the edge in the process. __

 __There had been another shift between them. For the first time, they fell asleep in each other’s arms. __

 __Over the next few days, they slipped into a pattern, Spock and his team beaming back by sundown, sitting in their quarters while he told Kirk about the discoveries of the day, before heading to dinner, generally the two of them eating alone together. McCoy was too busy to join them, and Uhura was still unable to spend any of her free time in their joined presence, the wound still too raw for her. After dinner each night, Spock then headed to the labs, generally not returning to their quarters until the early hours and always finding Kirk asleep. Because of his late nights, it was always Kirk who woke first, enthusiastically pressing him for sex before they began their day. _  
_  
-=-=-  
 _  
_It was almost the end of their mission to Dala, Spock taking down one final team. The meadow they were working in gently undulated towards the foothills of the Geystron Mountains. Earlier clouds had drifted away to leave the sky a deep blue, the sun pleasantly warming Spock’s skin. __

 __Although his team of three had all accompanied him on previous scientific expeditions, they still required guidance and advice in the correct collection and cataloging of specimens. Spread out in a fan-shape, he made them work without tricorders, each scouring the ground looking for specific plants, gradually working their way towards a small copse. __

 __Spock was focused entirely on an unusual flower when his sensitive hearing picked up a noise that sounded curiously like disruptor fire. Just as he glanced up to see what it was, he saw some Darans emerge from the small grove of trees as Masterson slumped to the ground. Before he could react, he felt a sharp tingle flow through him and the world turned black. __

 __+ __

 __Spock woke to find himself restrained inside an alien ship, the design of which was not immediately obvious until he caught a glimpse of Rihannsu glyphs on a sign on a nearby wall. His mind was still fogged by what must have been a disruptor felling him. His last memory was of the Darans near the landing party in the meadow. How had they come to be working with Romulans? he wondered. His train of thought was cut off by a deep, gravelly voice. __

 __“So, finally you have awoken, Vulcan.” __

 __Spock turned his head to see a tall, gray-haired Romulan of similar age to his father, glaring at him. He wore, Spoke noticed, the insignia of a sub-commander. __

 __“It would appear so,” Spock replied. __

 __The Romulan slapped his face with such force, it snapped his head to one side in the process. “I will not tolerate insolence, Vulcan!” __

 __Spock glared at the Romulan, and this earned a second hard slap, this time a back-hander, a large ring on his finger connecting with his cheekbone. Spock did everything in his power to control a physical reaction to the pain that exploded under his right eye. __

 __The Romulan moved close enough that his dank breath wafted across Spock’s face. “You will tell me the formula for red matter. Now, I will give you two choices – either you tell me of your own volition, or I will seize the information from your mind, using a Klingon Mind Sifter. Have you ever seen the effects of one of them?” __

 __Spock chose to remain silent. __

 __“You may act courageously now,” the Romulan sneered, “but I will soon have you begging for my mercy. The mind-sifter it is.” __

 __Spock worked hard to build up a shield to protect Kirk. Rumors of an instrument the Klingons possessed that could strip not just thoughts from people’s minds, but leave them with little to no cognitive capacity, had been rife. It was imperative that his bondmate not be adversely affected by the sifter through their bond. Who knows what it was capable of? __

 __The door opened and another Romulan marched in, smartly saluting the sub-commander. “You summoned me, Sub-commander Janar.” __

 __Spock felt a sense of gratitude that the sub-commander’s attention was temporarily drawn away from him. __

 __“Why are we still grounded, Centurion?” __

 __“We cannot identify the cause of the malfunction, sir. We are trying—” __

 __“Cease _trying_ , and do. With every minute we remain here, the probability of discovery by the Federation scum increases.” __

 __“Sir, if you allow us to make use of Centurion Logoralan—” __

 __Spock felt a shockwave flow through him at the mention of the beautiful Reman he had had sex with on Kri’ifala. He had been so certain he had spoken the truth when he had denounced the aggressive actions of the Romulan Star Empire. __

 __“No! Under no circumstances let him near the work you are doing. I don’t trust him not to deliberately sabotage this ship, the Reman scum. You will have this ship ready to depart in one hour or there will be…consequences.” __

 __Spock felt a sense of relief. Perhaps it was coincidence that Logoralan was on this ship, though even without conscious thought, his mind produced the probability factor of that, as being less than one percent. There was more to Logoralan’s story, he suspected, than met the eye. __

 __“Sir,” the centurion saluted and left. __

 __“So,” the Janar said, turning back to Spock, “are you going to tell me the red matter formula?” __

 __Spock remained stoically silent. __

 __The Romulan chuckled. “Very well, then I will get the information I want using the mind-sifter.” __

 __Spock watched as Janar wheeled over a small table on which stood a small box-like device, an antenna protruding from the front, and placed it at the foot of the bed on which he lay. At the press of a button, his bed began to move, shifting him up to a sitting position. __

 __He closed his eyes and centered himself, pushing quickly to touch the profound place he had achieved during his last meditation. So this, then, was to be his end. Under no circumstances would he allow them to take the formula – he would institute a death-trance before it happened. __

 __For just a moment, he allowed his thoughts to wander. He had been, he reflected, living on borrowed time. He should have died at the hands of Stonn at the place of kal-if-fee. His only true regret was that he and Jim had not shared the benefits of a full S’Kanderai warrior bond. Given time, he was certain it would have come to pass, as his mate dropped down more and more of his barriers. It was too late to wish that they had shared at least one mind meld. __

 __As he prepared to die, he was sorry he would be unable to reach through the bond to bid his bondmate farewell. So instead he closed his eyes and thought the words he would have tried to convey. __

_Goodbye my Jim. I am sorry that I never truly learned your mind, that we never had the opportunity to share our thoughts together, that we did not learn each other’s minds, as well as we have come to know our bodies. You have been an excellent commander and loyal friend. I love you, t’hy’la, with my mind, my heart, my body and my soul._

_  
_Taking deep breaths, he fortified the shield that would prevent the Romulan’s access to his thoughts and prepared to die, beginning the process of shutting down his body. _  
  
_


	7. Chapter 7

Pain exploded in his head, blotting out everything else, feeling as though his brain was expanding beyond the size of his skull. He desperately focused on holding the shields in place against the intrusive force of the sifter, visualizing it as a physical barrier that lay between the lethal device and his mind. He wanted to hold his head, feeling as if it were about to explode, but his arms were securely tied down. __

 __Suddenly he became aware of another entity in his mind, but the agony and his desperate attempt to maintain the shield prevented him from analyzing it further. Then, as quickly as it had come, the pain was gone and Spock’s head slumped forward, his chin hitting his chest, as he fought to get his breathing under control. The pain had been so severe that waves of nausea hit him almost immediately, worse than he’d experienced in the early stages of his _Pon Farr_ , and he desperately fought the urge to vomit. __

 __The entity within, he suddenly realized, was Jim. And with a clarity he could only wonder at, given that his mate was a non-telepathic Human, he knew Jim was on his way to rescue him, that he was less than a kilometer away. All he had to do was to stay alive long enough for the rescue to take place. That meant the death trance was out of the question. It was going to be just him versus the sifter. __

 __He knew, without knowing how he knew, that Kirk had been affected by the sifter through their bondlink, but that he was in no immediate danger. How the bond was so clear he could only conjecture at, but he wondered if the sifter itself had somehow enhanced the sensitivity of the bond. __

 __He opened his eyes to find Janar staring at the sifter, no doubt analyzing the read-out from his attempt to take Spock’s thoughts. __

 __After five minutes, the Romulan slapped his hand down hard on the table beside him. “You worthless piece of Vulcan shit,” he spat. “You won’t be able to resist this for long. Why don’t you save yourself the pain and give me the information now?” __

 __Spock stared at him placidly but remained silent. The Romulan’s fists curled at his side as his face took on the look of a snarl. “All you are doing, is delaying the inevitable,” he spat. __

 __Walking over to a desk he pressed a button. “Valan, report immediately.” __

 __A moment later, a Romulan marched in and, as had the previous soldier, smartly saluted his commanding officer. __

 __“Sir.” __

 __“Remain with him – under no circumstances touch his restraints, and do not touch him as he may manipulate your mind with his Vulcan mind tricks. I will return as soon as I find out why this pile of shit is still stuck on this planet.” __

 __After Janar had left, Spock wondered why he hadn’t begun a second attempt with the sifter immediately after the first, and concluded that perhaps it required some kind of recharge before it could again be activated. __

 __He had lain there less than a minute when the door opened and Logoralan strode in, wearing full Romulan regalia of a Centurion. __

 __“I have orders not to let you in here,” Valan said angrily, as Logoralan strode over to where Spock lay. “Sub-commander Janar will have your hide for this. Get out!” __

 __Unknown to Valan, the Reman pressed the release to Spock’s restraints. Grabbing him suddenly, he swung him round and a moment later, Spock surged up and felled the Romulan with a neck pinch. The action caused a violent wave of dizziness to wash over him and he slumped back on the bed. __

 __“I do not have much time – Janar will return soon. Please allow a meld so that you will understand all that has come to pass and my actions to rectify it.” __

 __Spock nodded and Logoralan approached. Recognizing the Vulcan’s discomfort, he knelt on the floor so that Spock could institute the meld from his prone position. __

 __Pressing his fingers to the Reman’s face, their minds quickly flowed together and Logoralan showed Spock all that had happened since their meeting on Kri’ifala. How he had told one colleague, a fellow scientist, of their encounter and how the Romulan had seized on the information, going straight to Janar, as he saw it as a means to further himself in the Empire. __

 __He showed Spock how they used a cloaking device to shadow the Enterprise ever since, with Janar seeing the opportunity to seize Spock while they were on Dala. He showed Spock how he had managed to sabotage the ship, causing it to appear as though their was a malfunction in the matter-anti-matter device. __

 __At this level of a meld, Spock knew Logoralan’s story to be true and could easily sense the Reman’s regret at what had happened. Spock felt comfortable showing him Kirk’s imminent arrival, and sensed Logoralan’s wonder that they were bondmates. While the Reman was clearly curious as to why Spock had been willing to share a sexual encounter with him, there was no time to probe it. Instead, he promised Spock he would be ready when Kirk arrived and would assist him to overcome the nine other crew on the ship. He also promised, when it was time to escape, to give Spock something that would ensure that the Empire would not have the means to defeat the Federation in the foreseeable future. __

 __Such was the power of the meld, that all the information exchanged took less than twenty seconds. When Spock broke the connection, Logoralan stood up. __

 __“As you may have discerned, my telepathic ability is limited. Is it possible for you to employ a mind technique that will cause Valan to forget what happened?” __

 __“Bring him here and I will remove the memory of your arrival. Then place him away from me and reattach the restraints. Janar won’t suspect me if I appear not to have moved.” __

 __A minute later, Valan lay prone on the floor close to a bulkhead and Logoralan was gone. Spock used the time to center himself again, tapping deep into his psyche, to the place of no thought. __

 __When Janar returned five minutes later, he stopped just inside the door at the sight of Valan unconscious on the floor several meters from where Spock lay. __

 __“What Vulcan technique is this that you felled one of my officers?” he shouted at Spock, bringing him out of his semi-trance. He walked over and tested the restraints, seeing they were still holding him in place. __

 __Spock said nothing, which earned him another forceful slap to his face. Romulans may not possess the same degree of telepathic abilities as their Vulcan counterparts, but they were equally as strong. __

 __Ignoring the still unconscious centurion, Janar aimed the mindsifter at Spock. The pain was at least as bad, if not worse than before, as the sifter attempted to wrench the very thoughts from his mind, failing to get past his shield to access his memory. Mind against machine, Spock used every fiber of his being to hold it off, to keep in place the barrier he had mentally erected. __

 __He was unsure when Janar ended the session as he passed out, brought back to consciousness by further strikes to his face. Once again, the bond was wide-open and he knew his mate was close. __

 __The third session came only ten minutes after the second, which had been enough time to reinforce his shields, though they were weakening. Once again, he went into a semi-trance, brought out of it by sheer agony seemingly radiating to every cell, as though he was being burned alive. Through it all, he knew he would be unable to survive another session. But thankfully when it ended, he knew Kirk had reached the ship. __

 __“Tell me formula you worthless Vulcan pig,” Janar all but screamed at him as he hit him repeatedly. __

 __Through the haze of pain and disorientation as he wandered in and out of consciousness, Spock suddenly heard some kind of commotion and Janar’s voice had stilled. __

 __His hand was being held and in his mind, through the bond, he could hear Jim imploring him to wake up. Rising up through the layers to consciousness was an unimaginable effort, but it was worth it when he open his eyes to see the anxious face of his bondmate hovering over him. _  
_  
“Can you stand?” he asked.

He understood the words, but the connection between his brain and vocal chords appeared to be malfunctioning. “I—” He could say no more and shook his head, attempting to clear it of the lingering effects of the mindsifter. At this point, everything was an effort. __

 __He forced himself to sit up and a wave of nausea flooded him down, forcing him to swallow the bile that rose in his throat. A moment later, he felt the sting of a hypospray against his next and almost immediately, not only did the sickness dissipate, but his head began to clear. __

 __“Something for the dizziness and a stimulant,” McCoy said before he had a chance to ask. __

 __“Spock.” He turned his head to see Uhura looking at him, a worried expression on her face. “Thank god we found you still alive.”  
 _  
_He reached out his hand to touch her, but the effort was too great and he let it fall back. Still feeling utterly enervated, Spock put all his focus into getting off the bed, his legs feeling as though they were about to give way at any moment. His sense of helplessness was most unpleasant, and although Kirk took hold of him to help, illogical though it was, a part of him rebelled that he should require assistance to simply stand. __

 __With his body’s part-failure to comply to his commands and a sudden noise of battle in the corridor outside the door, he missed the fact that Logoralan had appeared, standing next to Kirk, apologizing again for causing him to be kidnapped and tortured and begging his forgiveness. __

 __Spock gazed at the handsome face, understanding that in siding with them, unless the young Reman returned with them to the Enterprise, which he thought highly unlikely, he had just signed his own death warrant. He knew Logoralan didn’t want his pity, but to die like a warrior with no debt of honor. _  
_  
“You are forgiven, Logoralan. You actions today have redeemed you.”

“You honor me, Spock cha’Sarek.”

Spock could feel Kirk’s tension through their bond, echoed in every line of his body. “We need to get out of here.”  
 _  
_The group entered the corridor where any resistance from the Romulans had been dealt with. Spock was unable to walk unaided, finding himself slung between Kirk and McCoy. Twice Spock heard disruptor fire, the second time ahead of them where one of their security guards was fatally caught in the fire. _  
_  
They entered what looked to be a hold and behind them, Logoralan dealt with the door.  
 _  
_The Reman walked to stand in front of Kirk. “Leave by the exit and transport out immediately. I am setting this ship to self-destruct in two minutes.”  
 _  
_Kirk leaned forward and took hold of Logoralan’s upper arm. “You’re coming with us, right?” __

 __“I cannot,” he answered quietly. “I must remain here to prevent anyone overriding the self-destruct. I have brought dishonor to my people and this is a fitting way to repay my debt.”

“But—”  
 _  
_Spock realized he needed to intervene. They were wasting precious time and he knew Logoralan would not be dissuaded from his course of action. “Captain,” he interrupted. “Allow Logoralan his honorable passage to the gods. It is his time.”  
 _  
_As he said the words, Spock held Kirk’s steady blue gaze and did his best to project the Reman concept of honor, so close to that of pre-Reform Vulcan. __

 __He knew the moment his bondmate understood, when he held his hand up to Logoralan in the sign of the _ta’al_. Instead of the traditional words, he chose instead to say “Your courage does you credit, Centurion. I regret I didn’t get a chance to know you more.”

“As do I, Captain. I envy your bond with Spock – you are truly t’hy’len.”  
 _  
_Spock sensed Kirk’s curiosity over the ancient Vulcan word and then felt a degree of surprise when Logoralan clasped his hand. “Live long and prosper.”  
 _  
_Spock felt something being palmed into his own hand, and through their connection, felt the Reman project a sense of brotherhood. Allowing his mind to open further, he picked up the thought that what he now held was the blueprint for the cloaking device. __

 __A moment later, a hatch was opened and they broke their clasp, Logoralan walked to a console in order to begin the fatal countdown.

-=-=-  
 _  
_An antigrav gurney was waiting for him when they materialized. Part of him was grateful as he wasn’t certain if he could walk much further, and another part of him experienced consternation at his own weakness. __

 __Before the medics carried him away, Kirk squeezed his hand. “I’ll see you later.” __

 __He knew Kirk was going up to the bridge. Duty first and always. __

 __As he lay flat on his back, Uhura approached and brushed her fingers lightly across his forehead. He could see her eyes were filled with tears. __

 __“Forgive me, Spock. I tried to talk the captain out of rescuing you. I thought he was emotionally compromised and—” __

 __His telepathic abilities appeared to remain enhanced, as through the touch of her fingers, he understood all that had taken place, her logical argument and Jim’s right back to her. __

 __“Nyota,” he interrupted. “Do not berate yourself. Your argument was sound. Given your understanding of the situation, your logic was not in any way flawed.” __

 __A small smile appeared on her face and Spock allowed his own version of a smile to reassure her. __

 __“Thank you,” she said quietly. __

 __“Now if you two are done, I need to get you to sickbay, STAT.” __

 __Uhura stepped away and just as the gurney began to move towards the transporter room door, Spock felt Logoralan die, their earlier meld having left behind a residual shadow that was suddenly gone. It was illogical to mourn someone whom he barely knew, a man who had chosen an honorable death, yet he felt a sense of regret that it had had to end this way. __

 __His train of thought was cut off as he was carried into sickbay and transferred to a biobed. After 1.3 hours of tests administered by McCoy, who was understandably concerned about the effect the mind-sifter had had on his brain, he managed to convince the physician to allow him to enter a healing trance. __

 __“I am fine, Jim,” he tried to reassure his bondmate, who had been up to the bridge for a while, and then returned. __

 __Kirk’s concern for him radiated off him and through their bond, which Spock found illogically pleasing. Then, as the bright blue gaze held him, he watched as Kirk extended two fingers of his right hand toward him. With his heart thrumming in his side, he reached out with his own to touch his beloved. When Kirk smiled at him, Spock knew for certain he was in love. __

 __-=-=- __

__


	8. Chapter 8

The healing complete, Spock was ready to return, but he needed help. He pushed his way towards consciousness and suddenly felt the sting of a slap against his cheek, reminiscent of what he had experienced at the hands of Sub-commander Janar. The contact jolted him, helping him travel up through the many layers of his mind. It wasn’t enough, and as if the other knew, he was hit again. And a third time. The fourth was unnecessary and he grabbed M’Benga’s wrist before his palm connected again with his face. __

 __“You’ve no idea how many times I’ve wanted to do that,” McCoy said with a grin, “but Geoff here wouldn’t let me.” __

 __“I am gratified to hear it,” Spock responded approvingly. __

 __McCoy passed him a glass with a straw and, pushing himself to a sitting position, began to sip cool water. __

 __“That’s because I do it for healing purposes, Len,” M’Benga pointed out, “where you want to just get rid of your frustration.” __

 __“So?” McCoy asked and then turned to Spock. “Glad to be back in the land of the living?” __

 __“That is an illogical statement, Doctor, as I—” _  
_  
“Well you’re a sight for sore eyes,” came the familiar voice of his mate as Kirk strode into sickbay, a big smile on his face.

“Sore eyes, Captain?” Spock teased. “Did you not have adequate rest?” __

 __Kirk looked…happy, Spock decided, and through the link he could feel it, together with a sense of relief. __

 __“How are you feeling?” he asked __

 __“The Romulans left me with no permanent damage.”

“Good.” He turned to McCoy. “When can Spock leave sickbay?”  
 _  
_Spock repressed the urge to smile, knowing how much Kirk hated his stays in sickbay and knew his first officer had similar sentiments. He could sense his mate was, to use an old Earth saying, about to spring him. __

 __Since McCoy had been monitoring him throughout his trance, there was no further testing to do and therefore no reason to keep him. Spock got off the bed and managed to walk normally right up until they were in the corridor and the door to sickbay had slid shut. At that point, he had to lean on Kirk. _  
_  
“Hey, are you okay?” his mate asked him, worriedly.

“I am feeling somewhat light-headed following the trance,” Spock admitted. He didn’t add that his entire body still felt weak.

“But you didn’t want them to know that and keep you longer,” Kirk said not as a statement of fact.

His mate understood his motives perfectly. “Precisely,” he answered, allowing a small smile.

“Come on,” Kirk said briskly, “let’s get you back to our quarters.”  
 _  
_There was something about the way Kirk said ‘our quarters’ that warmed him. Kirk’s whole aura had shifted, as though it reflected a shift in his consciousness. Between them, the bond thrummed energetically, more vividly than it had ever done so before. __

 __As soon as they were in their cabin, Spock pulled himself away from Kirk, feeling slightly more steady on his feet. “I require a shower.”

“And something to eat,” Kirk pointed out. “What can I get you while you freshen up?” __

 __Although Spock hadn’t eaten for several days, his appetite had yet to return. He’d need to eat something innocuous. “Soup will suffice,” he decided.  
 _  
_Spock removed the chip Logoralan had passed to him from his pocket and carefully placed it on the counter top before stripping off his uniform. In the shower, he started off with sonics, but switched to water, setting it to a temperature that would scald a Human but served to warm his skin to a pleasant glow. Illogical though he knew the idea was, he wanted to wash away the memory of the Romulan sub-commander and the unbearable pain of the mind-sifter. __

 __Once done, he picked up the chip and entered the bedroom to don his meditation robe before walking through to where Kirk was patiently waiting in the office area. He was seated at his desk scrolling through reports on his computer and as he entered, his mate looked up at him and smiled. __

 __Spock took a moment to appreciate the handsome face of the man who commanded him in more ways than one. __

 __“Immediately prior to our escape,” he began without preamble, “Logoralan handed me something.” He opened his hand and watched as Kirk got up and came to examine it.

“Do you know what it is?” he asked, picking it up and turning it over, as if looking for a label or some other sign of identification to indicate what it might contain.

“I have not yet viewed it, but when we clasped hands, we shared a silent communication. I am aware of the contents.” __

 __A moment later, Spock had inserted it into Kirk’s computer console to reveal a set of blueprints.

“Oh my god!” Kirk exclaimed when he realized what he was looking at the design plans for a Romulan cloaking device. “This is priceless.” He turned to Spock, a quizzical look on his face. __

 __Spock answered his captain’s silent question by describing the meld he and Logoralan had shared. “His dept of honor has been repaid many times,” he concluded.  
 _  
_Spock sensed Kirk’s sadness and regret at Logoralan’s demise through the bond and silently walked over to the table where food was laid out for them both. Sitting down, Kirk began to quietly eat and Spock felt his mate’s mood shift to something more morbid. __

 __“I am not about to shatter, Jim,” Spock said, wishing to break his mate’s melancholy mood. _  
_  
“It was fucking close, Spock. Too close,” he said, the words seemingly exploding from him as he dropped his cutlery with a clatter. “I nearly lost you,” he added in a whisper.

Spock thought back to the moment when he was convinced his remaining life could be counted in minutes, and his almost overwhelming regret that they had not, as bondmates, been more to one another. “And I, you,” he admitted, his voice hoarse as he fought to hold back the myriad emotions he associated with that memory . Wanting physical contact, he moved his hand across the table, stroking Kirk’s fingers with his own. __

 __As if sensing that Spock’s control was tenuous, Kirk looked up from where he’d looked almost mesmerized by the rhythmic stroking of their fingers, his intense blue eyes suspiciously bright. “Do you need to meditate?”

“No, Jim. I need _you_ ,” Spock admitted, feeling his control weaken further. The words were true – he’d never felt this way before about anyone. Until that moment, he had always seen himself as fiercely independent, possibly viewed as rebelliously so by some Vulcans. Yet, despite this, his yearning to connect with his bondmate, mentally and physically, was so profound, he could no longer deny it.

As if he sensed that need, Kirk abandoned his meal and, getting up, moved around the small table, holding his arms open. “You’ve got me,” he declared. “I’m here.”  
 _  
_His food forgotten, Spock flowed into Kirk’s embrace, holding him tightly, as if to reassure himself he was real and here in his arms, an anchor he suddenly felt he needed. _  
_  
The quality of the contact changed from one of desperation to something more sensual, as he felt Kirk begin to kiss and lick the ear his mouth was closest to, causing jolts of desire to pass through him at the contact. Their bondlink flared open and Spock was almost overwhelmed by the depth of feeling from Kirk. Even though his mate had been with him through his _Pon Farr_ , and they had since physically pleasured one another, there was something very intimate in Kirk’s touch, based as it was not on lust, but on something far more profound. It spread over him like a beautiful morning mist on a summer’s day, settling into his very soul. This, he realized with a sense of awe, is what true love between bondmates feels like. __

 __Kirk’s soft lips moved down to curve around his jaw and Spock artfully turned his head so their lips could meet in their first kiss. It was as though their mouths had been solely created for one another, for this purpose and no other. As their lips and tongues tenderly explored one another, Spock found himself surprised at the gentle contact, realizing he had expected a kiss between two males would be hard and demanding, as though it would be the grounds for some kind of fight for dominance. Instead the contact spoke of love and devotion, such as he’d never truly expected to find with Jim, going beyond even what he had shared with Nyota. Not only did their bond connect them on the deepest level, but their degree of compatibility was extraordinarily high. Logoralan, had been correct – they truly were t’hy’len. __

 __As their kisses became more passionate, Kirk subtly shifted his position so that Spock became aware of his mate’s arousal and with a small movement of his own hips, made his own known too, causing Kirk to groan into his mouth. __

 __Pulling away, Kirk took him by the hand and silently led him into the bedroom. He was filled with a sense of anticipation at what was to come. Unable to wait until his mate was fully unclothed, he artfully held Kirk captive in his half-removed undershirt, making a play for the dusky pink nipples and working them with lips, tongue and teeth until they stood hard and tender. He felt the not-so-gentle assault cause Kirk to shudder against him, eliciting gasps that spurred him on as his mate attempted to free his head and arms from his shirt. __

 __Spock let him go and, with an impatient move, Kirk finished pulling off the garment and dropped it as Spock leaned forward to capture his mate’s mouth once again, finding it irresistible after having been denied it for so long, and feeling through the bond that Kirk was experiencing something similar, along with a sense of regret at not having done this before now. __

 __Vulcans were known for their capacity to be able to work on a number of problems simultaneously, taking multi-tasking to new levels. Spock put this innate ability to good use, making short work of Kirk’s trousers as his mouth remained happily occupied. _  
_  
Kirk demonstrated that in this, at least, he was more than a match for Spock, finding the hidden fastenings and pulling open his robe as far as his waist. It was as if the lure of his pale skin was too great, when Kirk broke away from his mouth, to kiss his way down Spock’s neck to his newly bared chest, each touch of his lips and tongue sending bolts of pleasure through him and causing him to gasp at the contact. __

 __He felt Kirk smile against his overheated skin as he continued to undo his robe, dropping to his knees to work on the lower fastenings. The soft robe had been rubbing almost agonizingly against his hypersensitive cock, so it was with relief when Kirk released it from its containment, only to ensnare it once again, this time in the cool haven of his mouth. __

 __It took some measure of control not to hold his mate’s head in place and thrust into his beautiful, talented mouth, especially when Kirk managed, for the first time, to swallow him almost completely. When Kirk looked up, a wanton expression on his face, their eyes met and held in silent understanding at the incredible connection they were forging together. __

 __With far more grace than most humans possessed, Kirk released his cock and rose up to push the heavy robe off Spock’s shoulders before making quick work of his own briefs. They stood facing one another naked and aroused. _  
_  
“Do you have any idea how beautiful you are?” Kirk asked him in an awed whisper, reaching out to his face to trace the line of one of his eyebrows with a thumb. Spock swallowed but said nothing. “Did you know you turn heads as you walk down the corridors of the ship because you’re so hot?” Kirk continued. __

 __Spock had never considered that his physical self might stir admiration in others and found himself automatically wishing to refute the statement, but didn’t, as he sensed Kirk’s sincerity through their now wide-open link. __

 __“Half the people on this ship probably fantasize about you,” Kirk added, “but none of them can have you, because you’re mine.” __

 __With that possessive declaration Kirk curled a hand around the back of his neck and pulled him in for another intoxicating kiss. Just before their mouths made contact, Spock whispered in agreement, “I am yours. As you are mine.” __

 __The kiss that followed was deep and hot and arousing, as their bodies pressed together, skin to skin from shoulders to knees, the fingers of both their hands intertwined. __

 __It occurred to Spock how perfunctory their prior intimacy had been compared to what they were now sharing. It surprised him to discover that the single added dimension of their mouths, of the eroticism of their kisses, took what they had previously had together to a whole new level. __

 __They were so in tune that they simultaneous broke off their kissing to get onto the bed. They sat facing one another, Spock nestled between his mate’s legs, his cock leaning out to touch Kirk’s. He wrapped his fist around his mate’s firm flesh and felt his own taken into a tight grip as they leaned forward to occupy their mouths once more. __

 __The rhythm was slow and steady, allowing for an unhurried build-up of their mutual arousal until Spock could wait no more. Pulling away from the kiss, he carefully chose words he knew would incite Kirk. _  
_  
“Fuck me,” Spock whispered and saw his mate’s eyes close in response, as a wave of lust flowed to him through their link.

“Yes,” Kirk hissed and opened his eyes, holding Spock in an intense, blue gaze.  
 _  
_As Kirk reached for the nightstand, Spock moved from his position to lie down on the bed. As Kirk turned back, he saw his gaze sweep along the length of his body as he licked his lips appreciatively. It was gratifying to know that he was able to have that effect on the man who professed to be entirely heterosexual before their bonding. __

 __Spock pulled his legs back to expose himself so Kirk could prepare him and was surprised when his mate leaned down and began to rim him, causing him to buck and gasp at the strong sensations it produced that pooled in his groin. __

 __Having conducted some research into Human sexuality, he was aware that many males enjoyed a talkative partner, ideally focusing around the particular activities they were undertaking or were wishing to carry out. __

 __“Fuck me with your tongue, Jim.” His voice had sounded almost a growl to his ears and watched with fascination as, having sensed a spike in Kirk’s lust across their bond, his mate had to take a firm hold of the base of his own cock to prevent his climax from overtaking him. __

 __Kirk bent back to his task, this time pushing his tongue past the sphincter as Spock focused on relaxing it. The sensations appeared out of all proportion to the act, which itself was highly erotic. Although he was intellectually aware that the entire area contained many nerve bundles, this was the first time he was experiencing the heightened sensations that were a direct result of that fact. Each lick and stab of Kirk’s tongue sent jolts through him like mini electric shocks, causing his cock, which had hardened impossibly further, to jump each time in delight. He was also aware of small gasps and moans escaping his lips and, feeling through the bond how much Kirk enjoyed hearing them, chose not to exert any control over it. Why sensor something that gave his mate so much pleasure? __

 __Through the bond, Spock knew the moment Kirk had to withdraw due to his own intense arousal. He watched in appreciation as his mate sat up and moved into a kneeling position before reaching for the lubricant. A moment later, he felt a slick finger enter him as Kirk studied his face presumably for any sign of discomfort. He recalled how it had felt when he had done the same to Kirk during his _Pon Farr_. Because his own fingers were an erogenous zone, sliding them into Kirk’s tight ass had been almost overwhelming. __

 __With his ability to control his muscles, it was only a brief time before Kirk pulled back, apparently satisfied, and began to spread the lubricant on himself. When his mate grabbed two pillows, he lift himself up as they were placed under his hips and then, holding his cock outward, Kirk moved himself into position. __

 __Focusing on remaining relaxed, he gently bore down as his mate initially penetrated him. It was a novel experience being able to watch Kirk’s expression, as during the _Pon Farr_ , they had always penetrated each other from behind. He held the intense blue gaze, watched a trickle of sweat slowly slide down his face from temple to chin as he felt the thick cock slide slowly inside him. The level of contact also caused the bond to flare wide open and what he sensed from his mate was a mixture of awe and lust. __

 __Once fully sheathed, Kirk paused and leaning down, licked a swathe down his neck and then bit hard on his shoulder before sucking wetly on the spot. The sudden sharp pain of his mate’s teeth marking him – he was certain it was hard enough to leave a bruise – sent a throb of excitement through his groin. __

 __“Yes,” Spock whispered as he clenched his muscles in responses. Kirk gasped at having his cock suddenly squeezed so tightly, the air rushing from his mouth in a rush, cooling Spock’s spit-wet skin. His mate pushed himself up and withdrew almost all the way before pushing himself back in to the hilt. Spock groaned at the delicious force. __

 __“What do you want me to do, Spock, huh?”  
 _  
_He knew exactly how to phrase his answer to elicit a strong reaction from his mate. “I want you to fuck me hard.”  
 _  
_He sensed through the bond, the positive reaction from Kirk that he was looking for as, outwardly, his mate shook his head, as if in disbelief that he knew how to talk that way. A moment later, his mate complied with the request and as Kirk pulled out and then slammed back, Spock bucked his hips to meet him, relishing the hard, physical contact. __

 __There was an intensity of feeling that was flowing between them through the bond, surrounding them and connecting them, as though it were as alive as they were, as the universe gave them another chance to make what shared, work for them. __

 __To intensify the experience, Spock took himself in hand and began to pump in rhythm to Kirk’s thrusts, as his mate avidly watched, licking beads of sweat from his upper lip. __

 __While they were connected physically, and telepathically through their bond, Spock had never initiated the final and most intimate connection. Now was the time. He moved his hand to touch Kirk at the psionic points and suddenly they were truly together, connected fully in a profound joining of their minds. There were no secrets here, no place to hide and, for the first time, he knew Kirk was able to discern the depth of his feeling for his bondmate, just as he, with a dawning and joyous realization, was able to recognize Kirk’s love for him, not as a colleague or a friend, but as his t’hy’la, unabashedly held up for him to examine and admire in all his glory. __

 __The side effect of the meld was not only to know his mate’s mind and thoughts, but to feel everything Kirk could in a confusing dichotomy of physical sensation. With the intensity doubled, Spock knew that climax was imminent and gave himself over to utter loss of control, to be swept away in a tide of passion, lust and love, mutually entwined and spiraling towards infinity. __

 __When orgasm hit, it washed over them both with an undercurrent of intensity that almost overpowered them both. Something had finally connected between them. What they had just shared went beyond sex; it was so much more with their newly realized feelings and their bond taking the physical joining to a new plane of their existence. __

 __Spock looked up to his bondmate, taking in the beloved features, capturing the intense, blue gaze. _  
_  
“I love you,” Kirk quietly declared. “To anyone else, I’d say _‘you have no idea how much’_ , but I know you do.” __

 __He did, unequivocally. “Yes, I do,” he confirmed. “It is as I love you. As I feel destined to love you.” __

 __He had not expected those words to tumble from his lips – destiny was a fanciful idea that, until he had met his counterpart from another universe, he had never believed in. Yet here they were, against all odds, sharing the same relationship as the other Spock had with his captain and bondmate. _  
_  
Kirk lay down beside him and Spock reached for him, taking his hand in his own, his feelings of love and contentment, so close to the surface, flowing easily to him.

“I wouldn’t have thought Vulcans believed in destiny,” Kirk said with a smile.

“Ambassador Spock and his captain were also t’hy’len,” Spock pointed out. “Weigh that up against our own situation, when the probability was vanishingly small, with the worst possible beginning, with no conscious volition, without our own intervention, despite everything, now we are, too. When one views it thus, it is hard _not_ to believe in destiny.”  
 _  
_It was not an argument that would convince a Vulcan Science Academy professor, who would likely put it all down to coincidence, extraordinary though it may be. However, it was not simply the data, but a sense of _knowing_ , that caused Spock to seriously consider and accept the concept. _  
_  
“I never would have pegged you for a romantic,” Kirk replied with a smile. Then, leaning forward, Kirk kissed him tenderly, the contact speaking of love rather than lust as, without conscious volition, Spock’s hand reached out to gently card his fingers through his mate’s short hair. __

 __After several minutes – and Spock could have happily continued for some time – Kirk gently pulled away. “I can’t believe we haven’t kissed until now,” he said, running a thumb over Spock’s kiss-swollen lips. _  
_  
“You are in error,” Spock responded, ready with his ‘confession’. “We have been kissing from our first encounter.”  
 _  
_With their fingers still intertwined, he sensed Kirk’s confusion through their contact. _  
_  
“I think I’d remember if—”

Spock lifted their joined hands and demonstrated a finger caress that they had been sharing since his _Pon Farr_. “Vulcan kisses.”

“What?” Kirk asked incredulously, his expression almost scandalized. A moment later, he began to laugh. Having yet to fully regain his control, Spock was unable to prevent a smile from adorning his face, though it only lasted two seconds before his bondmate effectively wiped it away with a very Human kiss. __

__[finis]_  
_


End file.
